"Who in the World am I?Ah! That's the great puzzle"

Thursday, December 24, 2009

All I want 4 X-mas is....?????

X-mas is a merry season to be Merry??? Happy??? yes, and do something good. Also, nobody likes being alone on X-mas....neither do I; But Its X-mas eve and here I am, all by myself in my apartment. A couple of hours ago, I was at my ex boyfriend's house. Well I went there yesterday when I was all alone (again) and totally brain fucked. So I went there and his friend, Kundol was there as well so I had company and all went well....(well = normal); When I woke up, I found out that my ex boyfriend had a movie date with a chick that he called his "friend". Nice! Well, to be honest, I wasn't jealous. I mean really...we're not even together anymore you know and It's just a movie (James Cameron's AVATAR btw, which I haven't watched yet and have been dying to!). So my ex boyfriend and me had our talk:

"I am here...thinking may be things will work out again, " I said, "But If you have something going on with her and feel like it's gonna proceed into something, then you should let me know."
"She's just a friend," He said, "And I am not looking for a relationship with her or with anyone or even with you; And this is not even a date!!!"
"Look," he started again,"I like being single and I like what I am doing right now so I don't wanna be forced into a relationship with you."
"Is it possible for two people to stay in love forever," Ellen Page's voice kept echoing in my head. (The tv was on and they were showing JUNO on star movies)
Before he left, he sat down beside me and said, "Avvan...I'll be back after the movie and I'll come home to you and we can watch some Korean series together, okay?"
I nodded..."Okay"
****NOTE:[ I'd secretly read all the text messages exchanged between him and the movie chick while he had been sleeping earlier and it definitely looked like a date and It was super clear that they were flirting]
He left
Ten minutes after that, I got up....packed my stuff.
Kundol who was a mere spectator until then finally spoke, "Where are you going?"
"Home," I answered.
"Why? Stay...He'll be back in a while."
"It's ok, I have to go...."
"I don't know...."

On my way back home, I thought, He's already sorted out his life and planned things for himself you know. What was I doing at his place anyway? His plan didn't include me and can u imagine me waiting there, while he was on a date with another woman? That's why I came home....It was X-mas and It was time to do at least one good deed which was not selfish! I wanted to be selfless....
So here I am....alone, on X-mas eve and I am thinking....Is something gonna happen now? Now that I've done the good deed...Is something gonna change? Then I realize....I am not being selfless....Instead I am being selfish; doing this supposed "Good deed", hoping that something good will happen to me!
You know...I wish I was a good person by default. I am not....I try to be, some times...It just doesn't work out for me and I wish I could say I was different from the rest; But the truth is, I am just like everyone of you....selfish, spoilt and very very ordinary!
This X-mas sucks!!!! None-the-less
Merry X-mas & Happy Holidays
PS: I lost my phone a couple of days ago...So yup, Loneliness knows me by my name! Merry X-mas again!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Untitled VI

Another morning, I lay awake,
On your side of bed,
Visions I create, Memories I remake.
I curse the dawn that's breaking.
Under the blanket,
My stupid heart aching!
A book on the table beside,
"The Catcher in the Rye"
I flip the pages, I think of You;
I sigh!
I reach out for a cigarette,
It fills my lungs, my heart,
I reminisce the last time we met.

The moments linger,
You linger,
I linger.....
Pictures of you, like leaves are piled in a heap,
I don't know when I fall asleep.

Another morning I lay awake.......