Farcical Fables

The Story of A Dumb Girl

2011-11-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

The first thing I am going to tell you about this post is that It's based on true event(s) and the second thing is that, I have taken complete freedom to exaggerate some of the details. I mean, obviously, fiction is more interesting than the reality. You got to admit that, in order to dramatize situations, you need to weave your story-telling into some sort of rhapsody! Thirdly, I am not revealing the person that this incident occured to. The mystery makes it all the more exciting. All I am going to say, is that she is one of my very close friends. For those of you who read my tweets earlier and are guessing, pretend you suddenly have amnesia!

So this is the story of a pretty girl. You know, like this good-looking, smart, well-read, socially comfortable, fun-loving chick. It's also the story of the same chick, who in spite of having all these amazing qualities, has one major flaw. She is a typical girl. One, whose smartness and intelligence flies out the window when a man pulls her close and makes her feel like she's the only girl in the world he wants to be with! This is her story.

She met this guy through a friend. It wasn't love/attraction/passion at first sight. I mean they met often but they always hung out in a group and she never really considered him anything or anyone special but a friend of a friend's and that was all. At one such particular gathering (with friends), they started with their usual thing. Exchanged pleasantries, poured themselves drinks, talked about the most boring things in the world, until in that pandemonium, a moment arrived. An unforeseen, sudden, strange moment. It wasn't something that had been building up. It barged in, like an uninvited guest to a wedding! In that moment, the whole feeling of passion and attraction covered them both instantly and though there were other people around, It felt like they were the only ones standing there. The whole night passed away in a drunken haze but that amorous feeling stayed, with the both of them, or at least he pretended like it did. Nothing happened that night, only an intense infatuation that seemed more surreal than Andre Breton himself!

Many days and nights passed. They saw each other less and they didn't exchange phone numbers nor kept in touch. Until, a similar night approached again. In her heart, she was a little restless and wondered what would become of them If that same moment came again. With her thoughts racing, she let the night roll in as friends and friends of friends gathered, drank, held serious discussions, broke into songs and dances, threw up in the bathroom and did all the things that people do in house parties! That night, It was like as if everyone around had been preparing for the night for them. One by one, people left, passed out, moved to another room and It was just the two of them, appropriately intoxicated, intimately aware of the tension that were passing their bodies like hundreds of shooting stars!

Then, It happened...They first sat there, making awkward conversations until he finally moved his hand and put them over her's. She felt a sharp tickle but that sensation didn't linger. The next thing she knew, he had moved over and they were kissing. She did not stop him. She didn't want to. The passion she felt with him was something she had not felt in a long, long time and that night felt like magic. And that magic ended as soon as the first rays of the morning hit their faces and woke them from that dream-like slumber!

Now see, the truth is, she wasn't expecting him to turn into her boyfriend all of a sudden. She knew things didn't work out like that these days. Also she didn't want to come across as a creepy clinger! However, a strong and not-really-sure kinda feeling had stirred up in her heart for him. He, was just plain normal! I mean he wasn't being a jerk and avoiding her. They still met with friends and at night fall got intimate but come morning and he would just pretend like there was nothing going on. She tried to send those intimate vibes to him but they just kept bouncing off his cold surface!

So days passed by; His thoughts began to bother her a lot but she knew she wasn't looking for a relationship. She was confused and may be all she wanted was a little more than sexual attention from him but apparently, that was too much to ask! They spoke on the phone but not everyday and they didn't talk about anything intimate. Weeks passed by and she realized she was thinking about him less but the point was, she was still thinking about him. Months passed by and then, she wasn't even sure if everything had been one amazing dream that faded away, leaving traces only in her life! It sucked!

When she spoke to me about this, she said she was sitting by herself and thinking about him and about all this and then those lines spoken by the cocky yet adorable fifteen-year-old Holden Caulfied in J.D Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye" came to her mind and she thought that was the wisest line anyone could have ever said about Girls. I knew exactly what she was talking about. We raised a toast to all those times when we'd let passion get the best of us and ended in a not-so-happy situation...ALONE! Then, we chugged down pints of Budweiser on a hot, summer evening. The sun was setting on the horizon and we sat there with her pet cat, Roku all stretched out in the fading sunshine with a half-chewed Hello Kitty soft toy that once belonged to me!

"I mean most girls are so dumb and all. After you neck them for a while, you can really watch them losing their brains. You take a girl when she really gets passionate, she just hasn't any brains." Holden Caulfield in J.D Salinger's 'The Catcher in the Rye'; Chapter 13

The Strangers That We Know

2011-11-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

There are these people...some people that you know and who become a part of your life but then they're not your friends. I mean you just meet these people at certain gatherings, some places and then you don't even know what their names are. Every body has such strangers in their lives that they kind of know. They're not really strangers actually because you see them around but you don't really know them at all!

I had gone to Kathmandu, Nepal in the month of September and was there for almost a month. So I was headed back to Gangtok and usually I travel alone. So I landed at the Bhadrapur Aiport and took a taxi to Kakarbhita. That's like in the border between India and Nepal. I needed to switch into another taxi to get back to my apartment in Siliguri so when we stopped there, I started asking the drivers if anyone was available and you know....the bargaining shit and stuff like that. In all that chaos, I noticed a familiar face but I really didn't bother. So anyway after a while, a taxi was arranged and because I was so tired, I thought I'd have a glass of tea from the road-side stall and smoke a cigarette. As I sat there, sipping the tea and smoking, that familiar face was lurking around. He had an uncertain look on his face but he kept looking at me and then looking away and then looking at me again.

So I looked up at him and he approached me

"Didi tapai Delhi ma thiyo?" which means Didi, were you in Delhi?

I was a little surprised but that question kind of made me all the more sure that I did know this guy as well. I was like,

"Ho, tah! Bhai lie mai lay kata dekhe ko?" (Yes, I was. Where have I seen you before?)

He replied

"Mo Dilli Haat ko Nagaland food stall ma kaam gar thiye. Tapai pura au thiyo" (I used to work in the Nagaland food stall in Dilli Haat. You used to come there a lot)

That's when every thing came back to me. You see there is this government initiated handicrafts and food stalls in New Delhi which is called Dili Haat, which most of you people in Delhi know about. It used to be one of my favourite places to hang out while I was there cos the handicrafts were always an amazing gift or an interior decoration piece and then the food at the Nagaland stall was beyond amazing! So I used to frequent that particular stall a lot. I always sat on a table this guy waited on cos he looked kinda sad and he was the youngest out of all the staff. He had that face you know.....some one who carries a poignant smile all the time....yeah that kinds. For some reason, I imagined all sorts of tragedy in his life and therefore every time I visited that place, I tipped him well.

So anyway, Yeah I met him there in the middle of all that journey and I asked him to sit with me and have tea. He told me he'd left Delhi and was now driving a taxi and earning his living. When I asked him how did he recognize me, he smiled and said that It was my voice! See, for those of you who don't know me, I don't have a typical girly-girly voice. In fact It's a bit hoarse and that's one reason I've never had the confidence to sing. And then he added, "Tapai lay jahiley pani ma lie tip chori din thiyo" (You always tipped me)

Then I realized I was carrying my camera with me so I asked him If I could take his picture, to which he agreed gladly. Then he was called for duty and he left. I sat there and I did something that I normally don't do. I smiled! I didn't ask him his name or anything. I don't know why but that didn't seem necessary. I knew him and he knew me and the chances of meeting him again was minimum but then that was not the reason why. I felt like how much ever we knew of each other was enough and some how It made it special. We didn't need to keep in touch or bond. If we meet again, some where, It'll be special again, like how It was that day at a tea stall in Kakarbhita.

There really are no strangers out there you know. I mean literally yeah there are people that you don't know and stuff but metaphorically, as humans we know we exist. We are aware of the existence of the people that we haven't even met or heard of! Then there are these people you come across and they don't have play any dramatic roles in your life. They don't have to define the meaning of life for you but they're there and they come into our lives and some how, even for that one small moment...we are not the same!

At The Dance Bar

2011-10-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

I am not an expert travel guide or anything close to it. I've been in the city of Kathmandu for almost a month now and I haven't even been to all the places recommended for tourists. I am just plain lazy or every time I plan to visit some place, I later plan to do something else. So when you come to Kathmandu, don't be like me. Go out, visit every historically significant places, explore the culture and tradition of this land. It's beautiful and fascinating. However, I did that one thing which many men do when they come to Kathmandu. I guess I fall into those rare category of women who've visited the "Dance Bars" in and around Thamel. Believe, It is one place that everyone should go to (not children...obviously! duh!)

So last night my friends and I decided to go to a Dance Bar called The Beer Bar in Thamel. I was the only girl customer there. Okay, let me tell you this. I always thought Dance Bars were those dingy, dark places where skimpily clad women danced and showed skin while men drank and may be there was some addition to that equation. However my friends in Kathmandu told me It wasn't like a strip club or a brothel but just a place where girls danced and people drank. No touching the dancers and no taking photos or recording videos without their permissions! So I wanted to check out the place for myself and we went there.

As soon as we entered, a lady showed us to our table. She wasn't a waitress. She was a 'Companion'. That's the first thing you need to know about Dance Bars in Kathmandu. Every table has a companion. She shows you your table, sits with you, talks to you, you buy whatever she wants to eat or drink (of course you pay) and she entertains you as long as you sit there. By that, I don't mean any perverted stuff. Really!. She just sits there and talks and yeah, she does act coquettish and flirty with the men (my friends....of course when I said I was going to a dance bar with my friends I mean Guy/Man friends...again...duh!) but that's just it. You can't touch her in any pervert manner or have obscene conversations. As I said, she's only a companion and all she does is gives you company. Depending on the number of people, you can ask as many companions for the table as you want.

Another thing you need to know about Dance Bars. It's not just Girls who dance! . I was surprised that they have male dancers too. The girls danced on a stage that was dimly lit with flashing lights and smokes at regular intervals and a pole springing out of a low fountain in between. So they danced to tracks from recent Bollywood movies. When the girls danced solo numbers, they usually just danced like they were dancing in a club but when there was a couple performing or a group, they did a choreographed number. It was all very entertaining and I sat there watching them and enjoying myself thoroughly. All the rumours and myths I had heard about Dance Bars were untrue. I mean these people were up on stage, dancing because It was their profession. For the first time I felt that you can't look down on a person based on his/her profession because whatever they do, it is their job! I don't mean that in a Oh-I-Had-a-moment-of-epiphany or in any phony way but when you're sitting there and you see them on stage, dancing, smiling, you know that is their livelihood and you should respect that before you call them names or categorize them as 'cheap' or 'sluts'. Believe me, they aren't. I don't know how other Dance Bars work but the one I went to....they don't work in the way that most of us think they do.

Another special thing about the night was a special free-style and hip hop crew were gonna be performing on stage. I mean we have to keep in mind that most of these guys come from backgrounds where they haven't really researched about hip-hop and dancing and they dance because they love dancing. Basically these people are influenced by what they see on the television and they practice hard and they try to dance like the people they see on the tv.

If you thought Quest Crew & the JabbaWockeeZ was amazing, think twice....These guys will awe you with their moves! You have to see them to believe it!

Hahahah Okay, who am I kidding!?! Of course JabbaWockeeZ n Q-Crew are on a different league but you got to give credit to these guys who use their talent to earn their living because that makes them an artist!

So the night of 1st October 2011 was well spent and It was a happy time. It was one of those times that I will recall as "an amazing experience"

This is what a Dance Bar looks like and No, I did not take the picture. I don't break rules! I got it from Google

This is one of the popular Dance Bars of Thamel

The Sims Social Phase

2011-09-29T02:39:00.000-07:00

I am twenty-five years old and unemployed. If you must know, I was doing my Masters in Mass Communication is the so-called "Best Uni for Mass Comm" in India and then I decided I didn't want to attend classes! Yes, It wasn't like I was being ragged or having any sort of trouble in class. It was just that I was so bored attending the classes and somehow, I just didn't want to. I wanted to stay idle. That's why I quit. My parents, of course were not happy about a decision that I made on my own and I still get a lot of direct and indirect sarcasm from them, especially mother. Anyhow, that introduction was to let you know that my current state is that of an idle, internet- addicted, unemployed procrastinator. So about a few weeks ago, I got a game request from one of my friends on facebook, asking me to join her in this game called The Sims Social. It is a part of the popular game series, The Sims developed by Electronic Arts, released in 2000. So yeah, lately with facebook being a major part of everything in life, It's not much of a shocker that the people at EA would design a series based on the original one for the popular social network.

So what one has to do is, develop a character, choose your sex, skin colour, hair colour etc and then one is given a plot of hand with few things around. The task is to increase your neighbours and perform all sorts of art, cooking, music and raise your level. There is also an option where you can buy things for your house. With all the task that you do, you earn money and with that money you can buy things for your house and clothes etc. Its been about three weeks now that I've been playing this game and this is what I look like:

My character is called Shiori Kitano. Yeah, yeah the fascination for Jap culture is still alive in me. This is the perfect game for all unemployed, idle people like me who can afford to use the internet on daily basis. It's the best thing to kill time. You can also send gifts and ask for items that you need from your friends. But the thing is you can send only one gift per day. There is also a garden around the house where you can grow veggies and fruits and when you reap them, you earn some money and your level increases. Those are the things you can do in the game. Oh yeah, you can also visit your neighbours and perform actions with them, like "Chat" or "Show Appreciation" or "Insult" or "Flirt" anything that you might want to do or anything that the task requires.

This is what my house looks like :

I know It's almost stupid, engaging full time on games like this but I really don't have anything to do or I don't want to be doing anything serious right now so therefore Sims Social is my life. God! I sound like one of those sad, pathetic people who spend all their energy and interest on games. Well just so that you know, this is only a phase and It shall pass. But again, It isn't so bad...I mean who am I to condemn "Gaming" like that. It's a personal choice you know. That's it and people who want to play can play, people who want to discard, can discard. I was only sort of suggesting that more people like me, play this game to kill some time.

Okay my energy is low and I gotta revive it by performing actions with other sims! (That sounds weird, doesn't it?" Anyway, that's all I have to say about the Sims Social. Try it if you have nothing else to do...

World Spins Madly On

2011-08-24T03:09:00.000-07:00

This one's a montage of memories....May be relationships are not meant to last forever but memories sure do and some times you love that one person even though you may not be together anymore...This one's for you...ASHEN!

A WeekTo Remember: Film Making Workshop With Prashant Rasaily

2011-07-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

Over a month in Gangtok and the monotony, with the repetitive idleness was killing me. I felt like Sisyphus...trapped in a constant world of futility! That's when I heard about the Film Making workshop that Prashant Rasaily, the renowned film maker from Gangtok was organizing. I called him, we met and then, there was no looking back. We were seven of us all together...all amateurs, bound and brought together with one passion....film making!

DAY 01: We left Gangtok on the 25th of June, shortly after 9:00am. We headed to Teen Talay, a resort in Rumtek. We settled into our rooms and freshened up. After lunch and a little recreation, we started with our work. Day 01 was a theory class on how to write a SCREEN PLAY. Prashant taught us the format and detailed us on how a screen play should be written. He also told us how important it was to keep the pace and the tone of the film in mind while writing the screen play. Immediately, he gave us an example and asked us to write the shot for that scene. After a lot of discussions about modern films, we sat down, as a group to do our first task together. Prashant gave us a character: A young man and the location: The woods. We began work immediately. We all had ideas and most of it, were related to the thriller or horror genre. The location and the eerie atmosphere around helped us develop our story further. Taking everyone's suggestions and ideas in mind, by midnight, we were done with a screen play for a five-minute film. Prashant was happy with our work and that first night, we all slept like logs!

Prashant teaching the group about SCREEN PLAY while Adarsh and Anant listen intently.

Adarsh aka 'Poday' & me, working on the the screen play

On the first day of the work shop...Yes, We had to pose in front of the poster!

Priya and Anant, seriously listening to Prashant on DAY 01.

DAY 02: Location Scouting or Recce was the plan for the second day. Keeping in mind the script and the character, we had to go look for places to shoot. Which meant, that we had to walk uphill, deep into the heart of the forest and decide on the locations for the various shots. At 7am, we head off. Initially, It wasn't much of a task. We checked the near-by locations and decided on a few, with the shots in mind. Then, we started climbing uphill. That, was when most of thought that we were in the wrong place! Climbing up a hill is one thing, but then when one is climbing and there are about ten leeches doing everything in their power to stick onto you and suck your blood, that's another. So yeah, imagine us, in the forest, tired, panting, out of breath and trying to do away with the predators at our feet! At first, we (Priya and me...the only girls in the group) screamed and shouted but then after an hour or so, we had gotten so accustomed that we were picking the leech ourselves and throwing them away! We climbed up, walked through the woods, let the leeches bite, took pictures, decided on various locations. As we walked through, Prashant kept entertaining us with his home-made jokes. We didn't feel like we were working on any project, in fact, we felt like we were a group of friends, out in the wild, trekking and hiking. That's how comfortable Prashant made us feel and slowly, all of us had started getting closer to each other and formed a bond. We helped each other climb up or down and even helped one another with the leeches. After more than hours hours of location scouting, we head back to the resort....tired but satisfied and happy at what we have achieved within a short time. We knew, this was only the beginning.

Priya, Raj da, Phuntsog and Anant during the Recce :

Location Scouting around the hills in Rumtek. This Pine forest is where we shot the first scene of the trailer.

A Proud Priya, showing off the dirt and bruises she accumulated during the Recce.

Deepen Daju, taking shots of the locations around the hills.

Walking through the leech infested forest, armed in Phuntsog's jacket and my Benetton Wellingtons! I had only 3 leech bites, which was nothing compared to Priya's 20 plus bites on her legs and Adarsh's 30 plus!

DAY 03 Morning: We were frigging tired by the third day but that was only a physical exhaustion. On the inside, we were determined and motivated. I had never walked like that ever before! This workshop was not only a learning experience but It was a place where we were getting to do things we'd never imagined! The previous night, we did a shot break-down and decided to shoot the trailer which would be for two minutes. So on the third day, we set our early. We carried the equipments, with some help from the two technicians and set out into the forest again. This time we took another route and climbed up hill. We'd found this almost abandoned monastery and even though we didn't need a monastery in the script we'd written, we decided the place was too beautiful to be left out. So, we did what we do best, we let the creativity flow and then we used the location for few shots.

Prashant, teaching us how to operate the camera and adjust the scene, using the natural lights of the surrounding.

The crew, exhausted after taking the first shot for the trailer. . .

Prashant, explaining the shot that was just taken as Phuntsog, Me, Priya and Pavi Daju look on. Adarsh aka 'Poday' in the background, doing what he does best....Resting! LOL

One of those random yet busy moments at the shoot! I think That's Priya Namchu's hands in the bhuja packet!

We began to work. The first shot we required was a long shot of the pine woods. So with the technicians' help, we set the camera and Prashant taught us how to operate the gadget. The technicians placed it in the angle and then we adjusted the focus. We got the characters ready and then took our first shot. A tilt, long shot of the forest. Priya, Phuntsog and I took turns to take the same shot. After that, we used the forest, in ways we thought would be helpful and took many shots required for our script.

The Crew trying to take shots in the rainy weather. The light above the camera was obstructing the frame so Prashant taught us ways to divert the light.

DAY 03, Late Noon & Evening: After lunch and a little rest, we headed for shoot again. This time we didn't have to climb uphill but then we had to serve ourselves to the leeches again! Prashant said that we would add a montage of a lot of creepy shots and he wanted each one of us to take one shot at least. We got really excited and began looking for things around that we could take shots of! Everyone came up with brilliant shots. Adarsh aka Poday took this amazing shot of a dead butterfly, surrounded by ants while Priya had a beautifully eerie shot of a white mushroom with blood dripping from top. Phuntsog had a shot of an insect moving in a dirty water; Pavi daju took his morbid shot of an old tree while Deepen daju had a fast moving shot of mushrooms grown on a bark of a tree. I took a shot of a lot of worms in the mud, wriggling. Prashant was very happy with all our shots and after that we continued to shoot for the trailer. We walked to a place where there was a small pond. We thought that would be a perfect place to shoot the last scene of the film. We got our things ready but then it began to pour heavily. At first, we thought the shoot was going to get cancelled but then, things like that don't affect Prashant and while the rain kept falling down, we all stood there, the camera protected under an umbrella and us, dripping wet! Our actor, Anant Pradhan (Gladrags Man Hunt 1st Runner-up 2003) was beyond professional. He had no airs about him and was a natural actor.

Priya probably laughing at Prashant's joke, while Pavi daju tries to get the leeches off his leg. Phuntsog looks on.

Poday tries his hands at Set designing.....

Prashant, giving lessons on film-making as spontaneously as his mind works:

When we got back to the resort, the technicians started to set up the crane. Phuntsog and I helped them put the equipments together and they taught us how it was supposed to be done. Even though we did not take any crane shots for the trailer, Prashant wanted each of us to get a feel of shooting from the crane so he let us experience that as well

Prashant, giving Pavi daju tips and lessons on using a crane:

Deepen Daju, looking professional on the crane:

Our actor, Anant Pradhan tries his hands behind the camera:

Phuntsog on the crane:

DAY 04: We were done with most of the shots but then we had a small problem. We had this shot of an invisible figure walking in the woods, disrupting the shrubs around. Prashant came up with a very bright idea. He said, we would use green threads and tie bunches of the grass together real low and people would stand at the end of the string so that when the string is pulled, one after another, it looks like someone is actually walking on the grass. We were all so amazed and awed by Prashant's creativity. However, the fascination stopped right there. We had to make 50 plus green threads with a loop at one end! We got to work but that wasn't enough. It started pouring again. So after getting the threads ready, we went to a location near-by and set up the place. That took us quite some time and when we were ready for the shot, the rain came down on us but we took the shot in the rain and the result was very very gratifying!

Prashant, letting his creativity flow and teaching us how to use our heads for the shots that we require, without using any special effects while editing!

DAY 05: By the time the fifth day arrived, we were done with the field work. We didn't have to walk the jungle path or serve food to the leech. On the fifth day, Prashant gathered us all in a room and we did an exercise on SOUND. What most people don't realize is that SOUND is very important in a film. Emotions, you can show on the face but for that emotion to create a deep impact, you need a background music/score. Prashant made us sit and close our eyes while he played music and told us to imagine whatever we wanted to. For this particular exercise me played the background score of Memoirs of a Geisha and we let the oriental music flow into our heads. I don't know what the others imagine but for me, may be because I knew It was a soundtrack of an Asian Film, I imagined the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings! Yeah, yeah....the planes, the bomb dropping, the mushroom, the ringing silence, the explosion, the people...some dead, some alive and some, in-between! The exercise proved to be very helpful because after this, I realized how the sound that we hear around, can mean and express many situations in a film.

In the later half of the day, Prashant taught us how to edit the raw footage and convert it into a film. We learn to use Final Cut Pro or FCP. He taught us every bit of the step and since Pavi Daju, Deepen Daju, Adarsh and Puntsog had already done a bit of editing before, It was easier for them. While Priya and me took quite some time to learn. Then we got together and chose the footage and files that we thought would be appropriate for the trailer. Sitting there, working together while the rain hit the roofs, provided a perfect atmosphere for us to do the work. Admist jokes, discussions and some serious work, we had managed a rough cut of the trailer (without the sound) by nightfall.

DAY 06: The sixth day was all about editing. When people just hear the word, "Editing," they may assume, its taking the rough cuts together and putting them in sequence. Easy! But that's not what editing is about! When Prashant teaches us any work, he teaches us well! So while we sat there as a group and edited the footage, we kept in mind, the concept of the film; the curiosity that was necessary in the trailer; the appropriate images; the text that would create the intensity of the film. With all these in mind, we had to find the perfect background score as well. So that took us the whole day and while some of us fell asleep in between, the rest worked. Then we woke up, the rest slept! It was one tiring day, even though we didn't go out of the room! Editing means total dedication with full concentration on the work. That was what we learnt and that helped us edit our first work!

The group begins to edit while 'Sensei' Prashant looks on

DAY 07: I have to admit, the pace at how the week passed was nothing less than the pace of a supersonic concord! Or well, at least It felt that way! So seven days were over and we had a two minute trailer completed. On the 7th morning, we woke up early and headed to the hall for some theatre exercise. We didn't have much clue about what we were going to do and most of us were conscious and didn't want to do any sort of acting. Prashant made us gather in a circle and we started with some stretching exercise and voice modulation exercises. I was really uncomfortable in the beginning and was wondering what we were gonna do. Then, we started with the two extreme emotions. Prashant said he would slowly count from 01 to 10 and we were supposed to show our levels of happiness, 01 being slightly pleased to 10 being extremely happy. Then we did the same for sadness. We, then used props and learnt how we could use basic everyday items to replace something else. Slowly, we realized that we didn't feel shy or conscious anymore and then we realized that most of us could actually act! Therefore, this exercise on the last day brought out many hidden talent is us! It was really interesting and all of us enjoyed it thoroughly!

Then, we had lunch and head back to our rooms to do the packing. After the packing, we got together and took photographs and enjoyed the last few minutes together, more as friends, less like team mates! Initially we'd been strangers to each other but one week in the woods together, had made us more like friends and to some extent, even as close as family.

Deepen Daju, Adarsh, Phuntsog and Pavi Daju strike a pose before clearing the room.

The happy film family :)

My Romeo

2011-06-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

In 1998, I was in the sixth standard and I was madly in love...so were many of the girls in the boarding school. There was this boy....tall, with the most gorgeous smile you'd ever seen and his eyes....burning with passion. It was impossible not to fall in love with him. Of course, the fact that he was a celebrity was another thing but for us, he was as real as real could be! Back then, the world moved at a little slower pace for us than the US or UK or the European nations. We didn't have torrents and internet facility like we have now,(Those were a thing of the future that some nerds talked about!) So, even though Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet had released two years ago, we watched it only in 1998. Also James Cameron's epic movie Titanic had released a year earlier, so the Leonardo DiCaprio fever had caught on and girls were literally falling!

I was in love with him madly! Back then we collected photographs, pictures from magazines and even newspaper clippings. We made scrap books, we pasted pictures of celebrities on our pencil boxes, lockers, desks....they had to be everywhere! So Leonardo DiCaprio had me smitten totally and I was this awkward, chubby twelve-year old thinking that there had to be some sort of real connection between me and the heart-throb. I believed that honestly and I knew that someday It would all be so real that the world would see our love and we'd live happily ever after. I loved him, I adored him. I spent every hour cutting pictures from magazines, decorating my scrap book, writing fantasy tales about him; When asleep, I'd dream of him and in dreams we'd be the happiest couple in the world.

I vividly recall during the school fete we always had a 'Dedication Corner' where they'd put a list of songs and we could dedicate the song of our choice to anybody we wanted and we could even add a short message...all for ten bucks! So there was my opportunity to reveal my love and I took ten bucks out of my pocket, went to the booth and paid for my request. Of course I remember the senior girls laughing at me, my friends giggling yet encouraging me. They supported me and with all the fantasy I'd woven around myself, I suppose they too had started believing it was for real!

Now, more than a decade later, that love for him has revived again. For no particular reason today, I just had this feeling in my heart. It was a familiar feeling and then I saw nothing but Leonardo DiCaprio~ I've been restless the whole day and suddenly nothing else seems to matter. I imagine what kind of person he might be in reality and the endless 'What-Ifs'. (What-If he and I really meet?/ What-If we get married/ etc.....Right! Dream on!!!!)

I've watched most of his films. I'd readily and eagerly give up my sanity if being spastic like him in "What's eating Gilbert Grape" was going to get me any closer to him! Watching him sweat in shorts playing the game (while doing drugs) in "Basketball Diaries" made me go nuts! I've never really seen a sexy junkie like him. (I am willing to be the Nancy If he's going to be my Sid) I'd yearn and call out to him "Romeo, Romeo where art thou?" If a love-struck Romeo (HIM) was gonna show up at my balcony like that! The Beach, Catch me If you can, Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Departed, Blood Diamond, Body of Lies, Revolutionary Road, Shutter Island and Inception...He had me fall head over heels in love with him in all his movies! .He's evolved with time and even after all these years my heart feels the same way It did when I was twelve years old! What wouldn't I do to get stuck in a limbo with him ad spend the rest of our lives, walking through the sea and building a place of our dreams.....sigh!!!!!

I know, I need to grow up. The truth is these are just fantasies and I don't want to let go of them because they feel so good! They make me happy and when you have a deep love rooted in your heart, you always carry a smile on your face. I've been smiling now and It's all because of Leonardo DiCaprio! So may be I'll let another decade or so pass me by....let the love stay. After all, Love's a good thing, isn't it?

I Love You Leo ~

"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.~"

Getting Away .......

2011-05-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well It was a Tuesday night. Nobody expects shit to happen on a Tuesday night.....Friday night, Saturday Night or even Sunday night...those are the nights people expect things to happen but on a Tuesday???? Nah..... However, this incident took place on a Tuesday night! So my parents were out of town and like every spoilt kid waiting for an opportunity like this....I decided to spend the evening out with my friends.

Tuesday evening came....I went for movie with my cousin (Pirates of the Caribbean....On Stranger Tides). After the movie I went out to have a few drinks with my friends at a local cafe that we usually hang out. Around 10pm we decided we should go for a drive so my friend and I, and my friend's friends(who had come from Bombay and Calcutta) hopped into the car and we drove along as the town-on-a-hill was retiring for the day. We went uphill further into the woods and then came upon an isolated area. We got some booze and snacks and sat there, telling each other spooky ghost stories and other stuff. It had been a little more then thirty minutes, when I saw some lights headed our way. It was pitch dark and at first, I thought it was a vehicle. (probably a motor cycle or something). The next moment....we could as well have jumped right off that cliff. There were two cops standing in front of us with flash lights! I knew that moment I was dead!

In a rough and authoritative voice, one of the cops shouted, "What the hell are you kids doing here at this hour?"
I didn't speak. My friend answered him.
Obviously the cops noticed the booze around and started interrogating us in that same tone. He asked us our names and the names of our fathers etc! In all that scary situation, one of the cops asked me what caste I belonged to. Turns out he and I belonged to the same caste. So...things turned around. Slowly the tone of the voice changed. It got sweet. Then I started with the sweet-talking, "Well we are extremely sorry that we are causing you so much trouble but our friends just got here from the cities and we were showing them around."
Then, the cop went "You show them around during the day, not like this at night, okay?" he sweetly added.
"Sorry once again officers but we will never do this again." Then we went on to talk about how we meant no harm and the cops went on to explain how hard it is for them to do their duty. Then we talked about what place we came from and our backgrounds and they did the same. It was like making new friends in a new place and getting really really friendly!!!
The cops even went out to be extra nice to the city people and suggested they sit in the car for the air might be too chilly for them! They also apologized for ruining their vacation!
As we were getting into the vehicle, one of them even advised, "Do not drink and drive!"
"Yes, Sir" the response and we were out of sight!!!!

I think my friends and I were real lucky that the shit didn't get out of hand and somehow luck favoured us. For the past years I've been in cities, doing illegal shit and not been caught even once. The truth about this country is, whoever has the power of authority can fuck you up a zillion times and can fuck you up real good. Thats what normally happens when cops get into the scene; But man...were we lucky?!?!?!

Well that don't mean I am going to be a goody-two-shoes now on. Of course, I will go on breaking the laws but I only hope I get away with it each time :)

Sakewa

2011-05-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

SEWANEY is a greeting like Namaste, used by the RAIs

I belong to the RAI community. It is an ancient, indigenous and ethnolinguistic group of the Himalayan region, as described by Wikipedia. The word Rai, is derived from the word, Raya. The Rayas were the Kings of Nepal in the earlier times. However they were defeated by the Shahas in 1832 and thereafter known as Rais. The Rai people along with Limboos, Yakkas etc belong to the Khambu region and are collectively known as Kirat Khambus.

In twenty-four years of my existence, I attended the first Sakewa celebration held at Namchi, South Sikkim on the 23rd of May 2011. Sakewa is an important festival of the RAI community. It is celebrated to offer prayers and seek blessings from Mother Nature. The festival falls on fifteenth day of the fifth month(Baisakh) of the Nepalese Calender. Prayers are conducted by the priests, called "Mangpa." The drum or 'Hongken' plays a significant part in the ritual. A person beats a drum throughout and the Mangpa dances to the beat. Three stones or Lungs are placed together to make a fire or Samkha. The three Lungs are:
Suptulung
Taralung
Shakalung

Mangpa: A Rai Priest

Prayers are offered to ancestors around the fire and food offerings are made. The Rais originally practiced Animism or Ancestral Worship. However with time, most of them have converted to Hinduism, Christianity and Buddhism.
The dances, known as Sili, are performed. The Sili dance is an art which mimics the characteristics of the animals and the birds in the sowing season.

The Sakewa celebration in Namchi, started at 12 noon with the arrival of the Chief Minister, Mr. Pawan Kumar Chamling, who was the Chief Guest for the day. The venue for the event was Bhaichung Stadium, Namchi. There were various stalls and kiosks built around which showcased and highlighted things made by or belonging to the Rai community. The welcome address was made by Mr. S.K Rai, who is a dentist by profession and the President of the Akhil Kirat Rai Sangh, Sikkim.

Suptulung Sili

The first programme was the Suptulung Sili dance, performed by Gom Block, South Sikkim. The most attractive part of the dance was the two main singers. A little boy and a little girl sang the song while the dancers moved to the beat and rhythm accordingly.

Mr. Jiten Rai, Mr Nabin Rai, Ms. Menka Rai & Ms.Pavitra Rai from Nepal

Crossing Geographical barriers, four singers had come from Nepal, led by Mr. Jiten Rai. They sang songs, praising Parohang and Summina, who are believed to be the creators and the main ancestors of the RAI people.

The Chasum Sila

Purano Namchi performed the Chasum Sila dance. This dance is an action sequence of how the first seed is sown, the field work, right up to how the harvesting is done and the food eaten. The careful demonstration of every action is not just interesting to watch but also very fascinating that It often makes one eager to learn the dance.

The Sew Sili

Central Pandom performed the Sew Sili dance. In this dance, the dancers shout along and like other silis, the movement of animals and birds are mimicked.

The Mang Sili

The Kirat Khambu Rai Samsthan of Bagdogra performed the Mang Sili. I particularly enjoyed this one as there were two middle-aged men playing the drum as the dancers moved around to their beats. The men seemed full of energy and the audience were captivated and clapped along with them.

Modern Rai Dance: Lakh

Melli, South Sikkim performed the Modern Rai Dance or the Lakh. Their modern short sarees and movements indicated the influence adopted from various modern dances, however, the originality of the Sili remained intact.

The Honourable Chief Minister of Sikkim, Dr. Pawan Kumar Chamling

The Chief Minister then went on stage to deliver his speech. As usual, when he spoke, we all listened. He stressed on how important the identity of each community of Sikkim was. He also pointed out that just because he belonged to the RAI community, did not mean that Sakewa was the only important festival of the state. He said we should be tolerant towards all communities and their festivals. That was the only way to "Go Back to our roots" and at the same time, not only grow but evolve!

Aparajita Rai, being felicitated by the CM

Then the Chief Minister felicitated Ms. Aparajita Rai and Ms. Raksha Rai. The former is a great example for not just people of the RAI community but for youth all over the state. Ms. Aparajita Rai has cleared her Union Public Service Commission exams. As most people know, a lot of hard-work is required for one to clear the civil exams. This girl did it and has made every Sikkimese proud.

Ms. Raksha Rai, being felicitated by the CM

Ms. Raksha Rai is a student of Deorali Girls School, Gangtok. She had taken part in a competition organized by the Fox History and Entertainment Channel. She chose to narrate her tale about Sakewa. Out of several hundred students who took part in the competition, Raksha stood fourth. Now her essay is being converted into a documentary, which will be produced by the channel and aired on the show called, "My City, My History." What a remarkable achievement for a youngster and what an example to follow!

Homawasha

Wachipa

Homabaksha

Then, lunch was served. The meal consisted of the authentic rice dish, known as Wachipa. There were also Smoked Chicken, Homo Washa and Smoked Pork, Homo Baksha, along with so many other food and drinks.

The people of Polok-Kamrang, South Sikkim had a very creative exhibition of organic vegetables. Under the guidance of Mrs. Tika Maya Chamling, the people had made interesting models of animals etc, using vegetables.

A Mangpa made out of veggies

There was an exhibition cum sale of paintings and sketches, made by RAI artists from Sikkim, Nepal and Darjeeling. Likewise, there were many house-hold and food items that belonged to the Rai community.

Paintings for sale

Me, in the traditional RAI dress. Of course the power shoulders were my lil cousin's fashion tip. She designed it herself. Check out her designs at www.rainism-rohini.blogspot.com

Overall, the festival was a learning experience and a display of tradition and culture. It was a colourful event and something that I look forward to attending every year.

HA! HA!

2011-05-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so "Meanie" or "Evil" could be my middle name and I wouldn't complain! See, I am not a good person (of course!), meaning, I am not holier-than-thou kinda girl. In short, I am not the Virgin Mary, nor am I Mother Teresa or anybody like that. I am 24 years old and like most girls of all ages, I like to hate some women. Some, that I am jealous of; Some, that I've had differences with. I also like to hate some men who deserve to be hated! So this is a story of a woman that I hate (Please note, NOT jealous. Simply, Hate!) and how everybody told me to let it go and I did just that and guess what? Life turned around in such a way that between the two of us, I laughed the last and I laughed the loudest! Perhaps, there really are no co-incidences and things happen for a reason. This is the story:

I met this chick through a friend and initially, I had no problems with her. The world had a vulgar yet apt nickname for her but that didn't bother me because she wasn't a close friend nor was she an enemy. I met people who told me stories about her sexcapades and scandals and even though in my heart, I judged her, on the outside, It didn't matter. She had her life and It wasn't affecting mine, so It didn't mean much to me.

However, I was going through a rough phase with my boyfriend and most of you know that I was stuck between two guys and all that mess. (Read previous blog posts for reference). Behind my back, without my knowledge, she slept with my boyfriend! Twice! Now, I know my boyfriend is an adult and I suppose he was angry at me for hurting him so he went on this rampage where he was dating a couple of girls and doing what most men do when they meet new girls! I was angry...Why? Because I knew this chick! She pretended to be my friend (or whatever you call two people who are on each other's list on facebook and have each other's phone numbers!). So that angered me even more. I mean she knew exactly what was happening in my life and then she just woke up one day and decided to make it worse for me. I don't know how many of you all know that feeling when that 'someone special' in life sleeps with another person and you just can't let go! Especially if that someone he/she slept with is somebody you know! It's like your heart's tearing open and every time you see that 'someone special' all you can visualize is the wham-bam-ram! and fucking damn....it pricks!

So yeah, I had my confrontation with her and harsh words were exchanged and blame games went on. I even mass texted common friends and told them what a cheap, slut and sic-like-a-disease that woman is! Then, I decided It wasn't worth the shitty feeling cos honestly with her cheap words, grammatically incorrect sentences and exaggerated rumours, I was beginning to feel worse! So I decided never to see her, never to talk to her, never to cross paths! (I did apologize for the mass text. That, I felt was too much!) In the mean-time, my boyfriend and I dealt with the other issue and made up. See, relationships have a lot or problems and some times you feel like working on it, putting an effort, taking up all that courage to give it another shot. That's what I did. That for me, was the end of that hatred.

Then, like most dramas, the twist arrived! Turns out, she actually belongs to a certain group that the society despises. Well, that wasn't much of a victory, cos our society is pretty fucked up anyway so that wasn't anything personal but HA! HA! cos I know who you actually are but who you pretend to be! Faker!!!! Then, the strangest co-incidence came to light! That woman's father is my father's driver!!! So True!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (E-news tone).

HA! HA! Yes, like I said above, I am evil...I don't think any of you will ever understand that triumphant feeling in my heart. Its something that cannot be described. It's one of those truths that come around and hit the face (not yours obviously....like duh!) so hard and so bad that it reduces that person to shame and takes YOU, to glory! That's the closest I can get to describing it.

Truly, He who laughs last, laughs the loudest!

That's right Bitch! It's called Karma and guess what? You just got bitch-slapped! HA! HA! May be you should consider changing the planet or something! Just a suggestion...Your true colours are out in the open and damn....they're UGLY!!!!

The Clown & The Trapeze Girl

2011-04-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

"Once upon a time, there lived a clown, who on one certain but ordinary occasion, fell off the carnival elephant and forgot who he was. He wandered around for many years, travelling from one town to another, trying to find the answer,never giving up or losing hope until one day he was so tired and broken-hearted that he cried and cried till his tears formed a pool and in that pool of tears, he saw his own reflection....and he smiled for the first time in his life...."

The trapeze girl had been in love with the clown ever since she could remember and when the clown came back to the carnival, her joys knew no bounds! However,when sun light would give way to nightfall, the clown would forget who he was...It was like a curse! The trapeze girl did what she could, to try and make him recollect but failed every time. Come morning and the clown wouldn't have the slightest recollection of the previous night. The trapeze girl was so tired and broken-hearted that she cried and cried....The clown saw her crying and came closer. Her tears had formed a pool and in that pool of tears, the clown saw his own reflection....and he smiled, exactly like how he had smiled for the first time in his life.

Blind Man in the Rain

2011-04-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

I went to visit Dad, at his office yesterday. It wasn't anything official; Actually, I just went there to collect some dough. It was raining heavily so I asked him If I could borrow his car and driver, to get where I had to go next, he agreed. So, with the privileges , I got into the vehicle and the driver drove me out of the office building. As we got into the road, the motion got snail-paced. Liquid sunshine and traffic jams go hand in hand I suppose. I sat there, slightly irritated and restless and then I saw him.....a blind man. He had no umbrella over his head and the droplets of water kept hitting his head and soaking him wet. He had a cane in his right hand. He wasn't moving. He just stood there on the pavement beside, reluctant perhaps because of the weather conditions and the pavement wasn't exactly paved! He stood exactly below the "No Parking" sign and I could make out he needed help.

Dramatically I exclaimed, "Bichara aandha rai cha daju!" (Poor thing, he's blind) To which the driver just responded with an unsure smile. I watched the blind man, as he struggled with his cane and tried to find a path but the land he was standing on was a little elevated and he couldn't find a stable ground. I grew worried. "Daju, ka ja dai cha, purai dim na?" (Brother, he may be going somewhere, let's help him get there). My driver gave a short, laugh and responded, "Bani hola. Jan cha ni ja janu cha" (He must be used to his condition. He'll get where he has to) That was it.

As we moved slowly, I turned around and kept watching him. Some people walked on by, shoving him, ignoring him and going about their way. The blind man kept struggling and I think he almost hit his head against the pole of the "No Parking'. My heart began to sink. I imagined the blind man walking aimlessly in the rain and falling down. How would he get home? Would he ever get home? Then my driver started talking about something else and just like that, I forgot about the helpless man standing there in the rain.

At night, I lay in bed, talking to my cousin and watching television. Out of no where, the blind man and that poignant vision came to my head again. My heart began to shrink again....you know, that feeling when you feel defeated and vanquished.....that sinking feeling when you know you cannot do anything about what has happened. I covered my head with the blanket, turned over and slept.

That was it..... What do you think happened to the blind man in the rain???

We can be Heroes.....(Are you kiddin' me?)

2011-03-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

The problem with us, ordinary souls, is that we cannot honestly accept the fact that we are ordinary! We love to be the Hero, someone who can use his power with responsibility and save mankind. We are in love with the notion that the world revolves around us and that, It is for us, that things happen...Unfortunately, as most of us, in our dark and sad lonely hours have realized, that is not the case. Well, forget about saving the universe, we are so pathetic, we cannot even save ourselves and we fall into that painful and shameful abyss, never really hitting the ground, just falling and falling.....

May be It's this vain and self-imposed thought of superiority that binds us all. Who hasn't had their heart broken or been betrayed by a friend? Who hasn't had conflict in their families? Who hasn't managed to stand up after a fall, only to collapse again? Most of us have....and the ones who haven't, some day you will. Yet we wail and weep and talk about It like as If It hurt only us! Like when we watch someone walk away, we think we are the only one going through that pain and heartache...Believe me, you aren't that fucking special!

Then we go on to tell tales of what He did and what She did, making ourselves the Hero in the act.I do that so often that I some times fear I might make this more than a habit....like It could become some thing innate, some thing natural. (If that happens, put me in a straight-jacket and send me to an asylum! ) Like, how we explain and give justification for the things we did (that we weren't supposed to) and the things that we didn't do (and the ones we actually did). We love to play the victim, the one that nobody understands and the one who gets hurt but loves endlessly! We love doing that because we are ordinary fucked up people, not a super human being with laser shooting out of our eyes and webs flying out from our wrists!

You know what that makes us all? The exact opposite of a HERO! The truth is, we were never meant to be one. So, we do only what is within our reach. We pretend to be Heroes. We enact scenes, while changing characters and thrive on cheap liquor and drugs, while we narrate our heroic tales. Then the curtains fall and as we take a bow, the thunderous applause tells us how much the world loved our tragedy and our pain! That moment, something inside you makes you feel insanely happy and brutishly sad at the same time. You'll never understand why It happens but It does.

In spite of that ugly truth, someone put this question up: "Why was It alright for me to say that I love you and fuck him and fuck you too and why was It wrong for you to say that you love me, fuck me and fuck her too?"

Really??? You're asking that? Okay, here's the answer: Firstly, If It had actually been 'alright' for me, I'd be celebrating my victory right now and flying high! Hell I'd be Wonder Woman and join the Justice League! Secondly, nobody said It was wrong for you, (read the above paragraph carefully) Do Not play the victim! (makes you more un-cool than Abhishek Bachan). Thirdly, I am not a Hero. I make mistakes and you know what? You aren't either! So let's stop questioning and playing heroes....Let's just play the parts that we're really good at...Let's just be ourselves, ordinary, power-less and human!

Don't Look Back in Anger

2011-02-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

"And so, Sally can wait,
She knows It's too late as we're walking on by,
My soul slides away
But don't look back in anger,
I heard YOU say......"

Because things will never go back to what It was;
Dreams stay dreams. They don't come true.
Words remain words. They still hurt.
The only thing that goes away.....is ANGER
Then, It's too late...

I Think I made YOU up inside my Head

2011-02-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had visuals play in your head and you don't really know whether It was something you saw in your dream or If It happened for real???

Like some times, you're not really sure If some one told you something or If you just "imagined" it! Yeah...I am talking about moments like that...cos lately, I can't be really sure If some of the things that happened last year, actually happened for real or If It was all a part of an, insane, sic dream!

You know what??? I think You were never really there at all.

"I think I made YOU up inside my head."

Biblically Bizarre

2011-01-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a Catholic school for girls. Even though I am not a Catholic, I know the Bible & It's stories by-heart! I have yawned, looked out of the window and some times, listened to the Gospel readings and sermons during the long Sunday Mass!And in those rare times that I have actually listened to the stories, some of it stayed with me because they were so effing bizarre!!! With all due respect, the big book of God actually contains some really eccentric stuff. For instance: The bald Elijah! I mean what got into that bald dude in the book of Kings when some children teased him about the scanty hair on his head??? He actually cursed them in the name of the Lord and immediately two female bears emerged in the scene and mauled those poor kids to death! Seriously WTF!!!! Or the other one where David wants to marry Saul's daughter and is ready to climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest sea but no! Saul wants David to give him 100 foreskins!!!! (again) WTF!!!! I don't mean to be blasphemous but these wonked-out tales never drove the point home....

However, there is this one particular tale from the book of Genesis where Lot and his family have to flee Sodom because some kings men demand some gay stuff out of Lot's guests (who are actually God's Angels in the form of humans) and Lot does not allow that to happen. Instead the Angels kill those not-so-tough military men and then make Lot and his family pack up and leave. However the angels warn them: "Flee for your lives! Do not look back and do not stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away." So Lot leaves Sodom with his wife and two daughters; but disobeying the angels, Lot's wife turns around to have a last look at the city she's lived in and then....she turns into a pillar of salt!!! WTF!!!!

See, I have so much free time and you know I have some screws loose in my head so all this stuff actually made me think and even though I couldn't come up with any moral or understanding with the Elijah and the bears killing kids and David and the foreskins stories, I think Lot's wife's story makes some sense, metaphorically!

Don't look back! It's as simple as that. By that, I mean the horrible and ugly past that most of us have in our lives. Life is conniving, as sly as a fox; Some times It reminds you of certain instances from the past and you end up opening books that are better off closed! Thats what happened with me. I not only looked back but I went back to the life that was already over! I shouldn't have. . . Not for my sake alone but for the other people as well. Of course It did me damage and hurt and now I have managed to close that trunk full of mess. I never want to turn back and look because no matter how much I try, I can never make it right. May be some things are meant to be messed up and may be some people are meant to leave. . . So yeah, I am not looking back. Thats all I've got to say. Forget the harsh past, what If I really turn into a salt pillar???? LOL.

I am not a religious person at all. In fact, I am agnostic! However, I shall not doubt this one. I shall keep this particular command from the Bible in my head and in my heart, so as to avoid getting into any kind of bizarre shit! Don't call me a hypocrite and say why should I care at all If I am an agnostic in the first place? I'll give you something to think about....

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is." ~ Albert Camus

When I have more idle time, I shall think about other weird stories like Moses' wife, Zipporah chopping off her son's foreskin to save Moses and Onan pulling out before coming into his brother's wife and thus obstructing the process of progeny! I only hope those won't have as much relevance to my life as Lot and the salt pillar does!!!!

When you're not around

2011-01-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

So now, even Loneliness abandons me,
All by myself, Its Your face that I see.
Insanity, slowly creeps by my side,
Flicking its tongue, a serpent in hide.

I can't change the 'wrongs' to 'rights'
I can't erase all the stupid fights.
Yet I hope and I try
I don't want to lose you.
I sigh!

Over the years, I'v let you down,
But now, I've finally come around...
I don't believe in destiny or fate;
But I choose you and I hope It isn't too late.

So I lie in my bed and I think of you,
Wonder If we could start anew?
And with these corny lines that I write,
I'll think of you night after night....

"So I wait for you like a lonely house,
Till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then, my windows ache. " ~ Pablo Neruda

Loose Screws: Inside a Lunatic's Head

2011-01-18T15:09:00.000-08:00

Aphasia: The loss of a previously held ability to speak or understand spoken or written language, due to disease or injury of the brain.

Words....What Beguiling Being!
Buttons up, Clammed, Mute.
Your lips, a chasm in time.
You watch......as He leaves.

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) : A behavioral disorder in which a person is hyperactive, has less attention span. Excessive Talking is an essential symptom of this disorder.

Words...What Devious Fiend!
Blatant, Untrue, Ominous.
Your lips flow into a song, A Cacophony!
You watch....as He Leaves

S for Shahid

2011-01-12T10:49:00.000-08:00

This incident happened in 2009 and I don't know why I didn't write about it then....I mean I thought I would but the procrastinator that I am....well, never mind. This is how the story goes:

I'd completed my graduation. It was some time in June...2009. I'd applied in St. Xaviers, Mumbai for a diploma course in advertising and television and had got through the written round. I'd never been to Mumbai before I was pretty excited when I got the call for the interview. You know, Mumbai is synonymous with Bollywood and you gotta admit...Bollywood is an integral part of life for every Indian! One thing you should know is around that time, I was a big Shahid Kapoor fan! It was post Kaminey and Shahid Kapoor had mesmerized me like no one else! I was literally obsessed and I hoped with all my heart that while in Mumbai, I'd get to see him....even just a glance would be more than enough, I prayed to God.

So I landed at the Mumbai airport...The airport had huge hoardings of the new VIP suitcase advertisements and since Shahid Kapoor endorses the brand, his face was all over! I told myself: "This is a sign" and my heart actually did a somersault! I've always believed in signs you see. Now I can't tell you this exact instant what all signs I've had and what all consequences It's lead to but I am sure many of you would agree....It's all about the Signs!!!!

Then they were all over....The Signs....left, right, all around. I was shopping at Shoppers Stop and the tv there had Shahid Kapoor on! In the taxi, we stopped at a signal and the walls had Shahid Kapoor posters all over! I was passing by a shop and they were playing songs from Kaminey! At the newspaper stand, Shahid Kapoor was on the cover of some magazine called Yuva and the magazine was all over the place. In the morning when I picked up the newpaper, Shahid Kapoor was all over the entertainment section! I knew it! I was going to see him! I knew it.....These were the signs!

So, anyway, the Interview went well and I got in and two weeks passed by and except for the posters and pictures, I didn't see Shahid Kapoor! Finally It was my last day in Mumbai and I was feeling low. I mean I was so sure I'd see Shahid Kapoor and then I hadn't! I was strolling around Colaba with my friend, Anisha and after some time, we decided to go back to the hotel. We hailed a taxi and got in. The taxi-driver seemed friendly and started having a conversation with us. He asked us where we were from and all that usual stuff. When I told him I'd got into St. Xaveirs and I would be returning to Mumbai and would be living there for a year at least, he told me to take down his number and he said he would be available any time If I called. He was a kind and jolly man and I took down his number.
"Bhaiya aap ka naam kya hai? Kaise save karoon?" (What is your name? What should I save your number as?)
He smiled and replied, "Shahid!"

Untitled

2010-12-08T12:54:00.000-08:00

That tingle when you tightly held my hand,
That time, when we fell free in the far-away land.
That time, when you whispered softly in my ears,
That time, when you kissed away my tears.

Deluded and Disillusioned we strayed,
Now, with our edges, some what frayed,
We lie awake; We wonder..."Where is that Catcher in the rye?"
Silently, We toss, We lie(to ourselves), We sigh.

We Loved, We Laughed in the days that went by...
Today, To Laugh, To Live (without each other) We try,
We fail, We sink, We smile...Someday, We'll die...

Kill the Bastards!!!!

2010-11-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

Even as I am writing this post, I am actually exhausted!!! I mean this is not that first time that I am facing a situation like this or you are reading about an incident like this. This is what happened the other day. Six of us (all girls) head to the Lotus Temple, New Delhi. It is a popular tourist attraction and a place of worship for the people belonging to the Bahai religion. So we went there, to have fun, look around and have a good time. This is what happened and the exact opposite of a "Good-Time" is what happened to us.

The six of us walked into the premise. A man and his group of friends walking towards us, had his cell phone camera faced towards us. My friend, approached him and found out that he was recording a video of us so she deleted the video, yelled at him. We brushed it off and walked ahead.. Ten steps ahead, three school boys did the same. We scolded them and even though irritated, we let it go. Just as we'd dealt with them and were walking by, a man took a picture of me in his cell phone. That was it...I lost my cool. I grabbed the phone from his hand and of course, he began denying but before anything...I had called for the security and a small crowd gathered there. The security came in and took away that man's phone. I checked his "Images" folder and there I was, along with so many other women who had no idea a part of them was captured in his phone. I yelled at that man, my friends yelled at him. The security yelled at him... He began to get a little frightened. The security advised us to give the phone to the police who stand at the entrance/exit and if that man wanted his phone back, he should deal with the cops himself. As we walked ahead, that man kept apologizing and begging for forgiveness. My friends suggested that I give the phone back to him. I didn't want to but on second thoughts, I gave it back. I knew he wouldn't be punished and I knew he wouldn't think twice about doing something like this again. It was totally futile. That very moment, I felt completely drained and exhausted!

Picture yourself in my place. You go out to have a good time with your friends and then instead, you have to hear lewd comments, have people stare at you, have them harass you(some times molest/assault) you and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Really....yeah, so I raise a cry and hue about it and that particular man gets punished, you think after a week or so you will not hear about a north-east woman being raped or assaulted again? This has to stop. This is wrong but It won't. It won't because the people from our very own country have this attitude....."Oh...Delhi is like that only!" or "Who told those girls to go by themselves?" or some will actually question "What were those girls wearing? Were they decent enough?" Well, If Delhi is like this, then It should not be called a metropolitan city, It should be called a jungle cause It's sure inhabited by such low, cheap and illiterate animals who think and commit such crimes; And why were we girls by ourselves???? We were six of us! Aren't you the ones who raise a brow or two when you see boys and girls hanging out together. (It is not our culture) Don't you say those very lines???; Lastly, this is a free country. If I walk around in a bikini, technically, I am still clothed and that is not an excuse to rape or molest women!

The ironic thing is how easily and quickly these very people cry foul when Indians are discriminated abroad!!! I have said this time and again, this is funny! This is beyond funny...It is shameless!!!! There should be a law. If a man is caught red handed teasing/molesting/harassing a woman or women, he should be put behind bars immediately. If It is rape, wait only until the medical report and if the DNA belongs to the culprit, hang the man! How can rape ever be an accident? Like what??? Your johnson by-mistake fell into her vagina???? Give me a break!!!!!! Men who treat women like this should be shot right between the eye! They should be kicked so hard in the balls; they should be tortured to death. Yes, Harsh Punishment is the word. All you people who think I am being harsh, think about what you would do If someone actually raped your mother/sister/wife/girlfriend....What would you do If someone passed lewd comments and took pictures without their permission. Yeah, right you would stand there and play it cool, wouldn't you??? damn right!!!!

Harsh Punishment is what they deserve!!!! I know this will not stop here. It has to go on....like as If It is the most natural thing for it to happen. Screw you fucking assholes...you spastic motherfuckers! Give me a gun right now and I will hunt that mofo and shoot him. Sick, fuck, disgusting, twisted assholes...you deserve to die!!!!!!!

A Real Hero

2010-11-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

If someone had asked me who Anuradha Koirala was some months ago, I'd just blink, stating blankness. However, some weeks ago, I came across a link where people all over the world could vote for one person nominated by CNN for CNN Heroes 2010. Obviously, It included people who had made a major difference and taken the social responsibility, despite the struggles and dangers to make this world a better place.

Anuradha Koirala is the director and founder of a non-profit organization in Nepal, called Maiti Nepal(meaning: Mother's home in Nepalese). She started the organization in 1993. Matiti Nepal is a home for the victims of sex trafficking. Koirala works against the social evil of using women as a sex slave and rescues girls/women forced into such heinous activity. Maiti Nepal provides shelter and work for these rescued women and even helps them find their family and return home. For those who are not accepted back into their family, Maiti Nepal, allows them to stay until they figure things out on their own and are able to earn a livelihood for themselves.

Honestly, I did not know much about it until a couple of weeks ago; But after I read about her commitment and dedication, I can say, I have been inspired and encouraged to help. There are actually quite a lot of people in this world that you can look up to and think, "Man...I wish I could be like her/him" and Anuradha Koirala is definitely one of them. I suppose, the fact that she is a Nepalese, is another reason why I can associate and feel more inclined towards her social deed. She is a great example for all the Nepalese and for all the people in this world. God alone knows the difficulties and struggles she must have had while starting this organization. Imagine, a woman(supposedly the 'weaker sex') battling for the exploited women, in a world where the opposite sex wants to tear her down and ravage her in exchange for some monetary value. Some times, It's not even that! They only want to exploit and use these women for the thrill of it. When you think of some of the ugly things that happen in our world, It makes you sick and nauseous. Anuradha Koirala did not sit there, feeling like that. She took it up on herself to do something about It. Since 1993, she and Maiti Nepal have come a long way, rescuing a lot of women from the mouth of the twisted criminal-minded and insanely sex-obsessed people.

CNN honoured her with the CNN HERO OF THE YEAR 2010. As she accepted the award, she thanked the people and she encouraged us all to join her in battling against such cruel activity. What I liked and what inspired me personally was, she called two young people on the stage.(Samrat & Nisha) and she said that It was the 'Youth' who nominated her for this and she believes strongly that the 'Youth' can bring about a change in the future because the future belongs to the 'Youth'. Her trust and belief in us, her selfless sacrifice and her humble approach is enough for me to join hands with her and help her in any small way that I can to fight against sex-trafficking. Are you???

And...Ladies & Gentlemen...This is the line I have been dying to write. I went to the same school as her! Yes, this HERO and I studied in St. Joseph's Convent, Kalimpong, an all girls boarding school run by the Cluny Sisters. Obviously while she was a student there, I wasn't even born but nonetheless, our alma mater is the same and I can proudly say, our roots are the same!!! Hence, all the more reason for me to be awed and encouraged. She is one of us! (Josephites)

http://www.maitinepal.org/ Please visit the website and do your bit.

"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles." ~ Christopher Reeve

L & I

2010-11-14T02:15:00.000-08:00

After a while in Solitude, I have made friends with Loneliness. We aren't the best of friends but we get along okay. When I am with L, I find myself doing a lot of chores and stuff that I would normally choose to ignore or procrastinate about.; And L, is a sort of downer...doesn't say much but yeah, gets his message across crystal clear. So this morning, L and I were hanging out as usual. L probably hinted that cleaning my closet(pun intended???) and drawers was a good idea and I usually don't disagree with L's ideas. He is sort of fatally sensitive; Does some sort of damage to himself & me(more to me) If I don't listen to him.

So L watched as I folded and unfolded my clothes and arranged and re-arranged my stuff. I got the vibe that L was making me do this cos there was a catch in the chore; and ten minutes into the deed....Lo!!! There It was! An old, partly crushed paper. Crushed, because It had been folded and kept that way for quite a while now. I unfolded and opened the sheet. Words, drawings, memories, all unfolded along and placed itself before me. I ignored L's presence indifferently.

Re-reading the letter, It made me laugh. You know, usually a smile precedes a laughter but there are things, rare things break the rule and make you jump straight to STEP 2, without having to undergo STEP 1. Yes, this letter is one of those rare things. The silly drawings on it include:
a) Arrows flying and clashing against each other, creating a blinding spark. (This one needs a very serious reference and recollection of the late 80's and early 90's when Mahabharata and Ramayana ruled our tv screens, particularly the battle scene!)
b) My sleeping posture (It mentions: "Like a man")
c)Mosquitoes flying around
d)Illegal stuff lying around
e)Exaggerated physique and assets
Etcetera!

I could score pretty well If someone made me write a test on this letter on a fresh page, with the help of only my memory. That's how many times I've read it...The laughter then gives way to a long, remorseful sigh. The words come to an end and there is nothing beyond.

L clears his throat, hinting at his significant existence and presence. Tight-lipped, I fold the paper again and put It back into the drawer, in It's usual place, under other note-books and stuff that I usually ignore. . .
L doesn't say anything now but I know what's gonna happen next. Like one of the mutants with super powers, L transforms into a liquid state...a water-body. I take a deep breath, knowing It's not going to help. I never learnt two things and I fear I never will:
1: I don't know how to drive a vehicle
2: I don't know how to swim!
Right now, number 2 is my concern.
As L, comes close and covers me all over, I know my incapability to swim and fear of the element?/chemical??? Hydro is only going to make L's work easier.
In Loneliness, I drown....

A Soliloquy

2010-11-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

Apart......In different companies We seek solace,
We smile, We Love, We wear a different face.
Yesterday We Loved; Yesterday is gone;
(It won't come back)
I suppose that's why I mourn.
Let loose Anger & Fury, like Wild Horses,
Forgetting, Love lay at both the sources.
Were We reckless? Were We high?
Why In Loneliness, now do I sigh?
Memories transform & Dreams begin to lie,
You are here;You don't say 'Good-Bye.'
Mornings are dark; The Nights are bright,
It no longer matters, If I was wrong or you were right.
Time heals all wounds but leaves a scar,
Whisper my name, I won't be far....

"I have the true feeling of myself, only when I am unbearably unhappy" ~ Franz Kafka
I Like You because you make me unhappy....

4am

2010-11-07T13:23:00.000-08:00

It's 4am.......
I don't recall what time I slept. (Did I sleep at all?)
Silence buzzing like a bee; Mocking Me; Full of scorn;
Laughing at my predicament.
For reasons unknown, I laugh at myself.
Like HIM, Sanity abandoned me some time ago.
Cigarettes burn like corpses of casualties,
In heaps, atop each other,
Emitting a foul smell.
Images display in the voidness.
Are they real?
Is that a figment of my Imagination?
Tripping over pictures in my head,
I turn the pages of the books I've already read.
Time hasn't moved but the moment's passed,
I sigh in Loneliness; The Mocking Cloud, still overcast!
Another world keeps calling my name.
I step into the other side....
I feel the same.
Its 4am......again.......

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

2010-11-04T03:10:00.000-07:00

This song and the video couldn't say It better...Baby, I Love the way you lie...

Mission Impossible...NOT!

2010-11-02T03:51:00.000-07:00

I should probably start another blog space all together for the adventures of my ally, Ms. Pallavika Ghising and I. Since her arrival to the capital in September, Pallu (as I fondly call her) and I have taken every measure to see each other regularly(even though we live in the extreme opposite ends of the city). Yes, Delhi is big, might I add, very...very big! Thanks to the Common Wealth Games, the metro lines.(I am still not very familiar with that mode of transportation but I am getting there), in South Delhi have decreased our geographical distance and helped us get to each other frequently.

A couple of days ago, Pallu called me and asked me to join her on 'Operation- Ganga International School'. Apparently, her father had sent some stuff through a kid(who belongs to the state place as Pallu), studying there and we were supposed to go and collect it. Commando Pallu and I, met at Rajeev Chowk Metro station, circa 3:30pm. We purchased tickets until Kashmere Gate and yes, spent that time, talking and laughing at people around and people, that we could recall from long ago.

At Kashmere Gate, our throats went dry and we decided to buy something to drink from one of the kiosks. Since we had to change the lines and buy tickets for the Red Line, we had to drop the token, walk out of the exit, buy new tokens and pass through the security (again). As we were passing through the security, one of the guards, in his disgusting, irritating, dominating voice boomed at Pallu (in Hindi, obviously),
"Madame, you are not allowed to drink that in here. Go out and finish it."
Before she could retaliate, I plunged in, "We bought these drinks from inside the metro. If you want people drinking outside, you should set up kiosks and shops outside; And are we the only ones drinking and eating here? We are not even inside the train. What is your problem?"
The Security guard mumbled something and another of his aides came forward stating, "You all eat and drink here and leave the trash lying around."
"What do you mean by 'you all' ? " Pallu darted at him.
Before he could explain himself, for the second time that day, I barged in saying, "Have you seen her and me specifically throwing trash around? Do you even know us or recognize our faces?"
The guards were now a little agitated as people had started crowding around. We were giving them a street-play.
"And you don't need to teach us about keeping the environment safe and clean," Pallu shot at him, "We know better."
Moving towards the ticket counter, still drinking, I looked at the guard and then at Pallu and in the most sarcastic tone ever, said, "Is he a retard?"
"I think so," she responded.
We bought the tickets up to Inderlok and shooting glances at the guards and still drinking, walked past the security and up to the platform.
On reaching the platform, we realized there were no trash-bins around so we tossed the empty packets right there and looking at each other, giggling.
"Stupid, irritating asshole guards!"
"This stupid station doesn't even have a dust-bin!" I said in a, as-a-matter-of-fact tone.

On reaching Indelok, we realized we had to change lines again. So we purchased tickets up to Mundra and got on the Green Line. We had to pass through 13 stations and as we sat there, we started talking about brothels and prostitution. (It was probably the girls around that prompted us to begin the topic.) We laughed like Schizophrenics, as I re-told her the story that my ex-boyfriend had told me about the whore-houses at G.B Road and the famous Khal-Para at Siliguri, West Bengal. People stared at us as If we came from a different planet. Just then, I noticed a girl who had love bites on her neck and she took no measures to cover them. In fact, she seemed proud about it. I nudged Pallu and she understood what I meant. We sat there through 13 stations and when we finally reached Mundra, It was dark and the stars were out.

The school was about 4-5 kms away from the metro station and the janitor at the Mundra station advised us to take the bus. I gave a "no-way" look at Pallu. We thought we'd find an auto-rickshaw and hire it up to the school and back to the metro-station. To our utter disappointment and misfortune, there were not a single auto-rickshaw in sight and we felt like we really came from another planet. The people around were staring at us and passing comments. With our small eyes, fair-skinned complexion and 'Western Outfit' we definitely did not belong there. We walked ahead and saw a bus that was packed with people. Yeah, right...take the bus? That's be like purchasing tickets to let creepy-sweaty men molest you in the crowd. We walked as some people walked along with us and stared and said things that we did not understand. Pallu started getting scared, petrified!
"I always carry a Swiss-knife," I comforted her.

This man, had run out of fuel and was walking with his bike to a petrol pump.
"Excuse me Uncle, " I said.
He looked at us.
"Is this the route to Hirak kund....??? eh??? something like that?" (in Hindi)
"Where are you all going?" He asked
"Ganga International School," in unison.
"Yeah, this is the route. Why? Where are you from? Who are you going to meet?" etc etc etc the man interrogated. After explaining our mission, he said It's not safe for us to walk there on our own so he would accompany us till the gas station and he would even give us a lift on his bike till the school. Yes, we could not help ourselves and started laughing as I imagined the three of us on his bike.
"You sit in the middle," Pallu ordered.
The disadvantage of being skinny and petite is, whenever there's a crowd, you are expected to sit on someone's lap or ride trips on bikes! I've had enough of such experiences.

The petrol pump was almost 2 kms away and we walked. I started getting this side pain on my tummy region. I thought I would collapse. The uncle had found us very fascinating and he kept questioning us about everything.
"Are you from Nepal? China?"
I thought I'd lose all my energy, including my voice by the time the mission was completed.

After filling fuel at the gas station, the Uncle started his bike. I got in, placed my bag in between so there would be no body-to-body contact with the rider.(ewwwwww). Pallu almost fell off while trying to get on and yes, we laughed again. The school was another 2 or 2.5 kms away so as we rode on the highway, the three of us, Pallu kept laughing. I thought the man would lose his patience and leave us in the middle of the road. He kept talking and he even commented that we should have come early and how silent and deserted the area seemed to be. To which, Pallu, as If it was a reflex, responded,
"Haan-ji yeh area toh kitna veeran hai!" (This area is eerie-ly deserted.)
In that uncomfortable and space-deprived position, I managed to take a life-risking turn and look at Pallu. I gave her a, you-did-not-just-say-that look!
She laughed and then I just couldn't hold it. I laughed so hard. The uncle probably thought we were run-aways from some asylum.
Finally, we saw the school gate. Thanked the good Samaritan for his help and asked the security guard to call XYZ. As we waited there, in the dark, we asked the security guards If we could sit inside the school compund and wait. He allowed so we sat there and then this weird, cattle-like smell filled the air.
"Ewwww what's that smell?" Pallu asked, getting disgusted.
"It smells like a cow," I answered.
Just then we saw, near-by there was a stable and there were horses there.
"OMG! Look Avvan, horses!" Pallu screamed, like as If we had discovered water in the desert.
"So cool! these kids have riding facility?"
"I wish my parents had sent me to a boarding school where we could ride horses," Pallu said, with regret and sadness in her voice.
"Yeah, me too," I joined.
Boy XYZ turned up with the stuff. Pallu and he exchanged formal greetings and had a small talk. Once the exchange was made, I breathed a sigh of relief! It was past 8:30pm and the sky was dark and the breeze, chilly.

I'd used my brain previously(while walking) and booked a taxi that could come pick us up and take us back home. Well, there was no way we could find another transport back to the metro station and walking back would be totally insane! We requested the security guards to allow us to wait in the school premises until the cab arrived. He let us. As Pallu and me, still gossiped and laughed about silly things, a drunkard showed up at the gate. He mumbled something and shook his index finger, like a warning sign at Pallu.
Instead of getting scared, we both started laughing.

I think we spent almost an hour, sitting there as I made frantic calls to the taxi-driver, every ten minutes, who kept lying that he was driving real fast(like James Bond). He finally showed up and as Pallu and me got into the car, we breathed a sigh of relief.

It took us more than an hour to get home. In between Pallu kept complaining that she gets car-sick and that, she wanted to throw up. Fortunately, she didn't. I don't know what I would have done, had she actually thrown up. We didn't even have a bottle of water and had run out of tissues! Let's NOT imagine that situation. Enough adventure for the day!

Operation- Ganga International School was completed and Agent Pallu and Agent Avvan, took pride and were satisfied at the accomplishment. (Believe me, If Agent Ethan Hunt is reading this, he is worrying about his replacement in the next Mission Impossible movie.)

In another hour, I am heading to the famous flea market, Sarojini Nagar, with Pallu. I'll keep you updated If adventure finds us again, or If we find it ;)

Love at First(and probably Last) Sight

2010-10-31T02:01:00.000-07:00

My friend, Pallavika and I were loitering around Kamla Nagar, North Delhi the other day. We'd planned the north trip so we could visit Majnu ka Tilla(MT), the famous Tibetan locality, to hog 'Ghar ko Khana.' After eating more than our stomachs could take, we headed towards K-Nags(That's what the Delhi University students call Kamla Nagar).

Exhausted and irritated at the queue outside the ATM, Pallu and I decided to stop at Cafe Coffee Day for a while. We placed our orders and were gossiping about everything and anything in the world. Obviously, laughing at the waiter who took our order.(He seemed to have some sort of mental disorder....Progeria??? Autism??? ). Pallu complained her eyes looked strained and her liner smudged so she borrowed my make-up bag(Hello Kitty one) and was giving herself some touch-up. Since we were seated at a table near the entrance and CCD(Cafe Coffee Day) has glass doors(duh....obviously!!!!), we could see people walking outside in the street. I could see them actually, as Pallu had her back facing the door and I had the view.

We were talking about something insignificant and laughing and then.....There he was! Suddenly a breeze blew over and in the background, a piano started playing. White tee, jeans, fair skinned, short(not very short) hair and dimpled cheeks. He was walking with some of his friends(I assumed) and then he looked in. I looked straight at him and my heart stopped beating for a while. Seriously, we were looking at each other. His face, His expression...that moment....It was all too good to be true!!! I heard no sound, I felt nothing, except this elevated feeling. It was like the movies. Slow-motion and all that jazz...He continued walking but his eyes were fixed on me; I continued staring, oblivious and callous to Pallu blabbering. In the background, Aqualung's "Brighter than Sunshine" played on.

Then he bumped into his friend who was walking ahead. Suddenly, he realized how silly he looked and an embarrassed smile crossed his face. His dimples displayed at the left cheek. I thought I was about to collapse. He, then shook his head in embarrassment and looked at me again, the smile, still stuck on his face. I stared (gawked??) at him and he passed by...His image faded away and then, reality struck me like lightning.

"OMG! OMG! OMG!" I screamed. Pallu, shocked and surprised. "What happened?"
"I just saw this super cute guy pass by."
Pallu turned around and tried to locate the face I was talking about...Too late...He'd walked away. "Where?"
"He was there....He was there," I said, excitedly.
"Gosh! calm down woman...," Pallu went back to her touching-up process.
Sighhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

That was that...I don't know who he is. All I know is our eyes met that one moment and the world stopped spinning. Out of the 6 billion people in the world, I know, He and I, shared one long moment. I wish Life was like the movies. . . I wish our paths would cross again; But honestly, even If It did, I wouldn't be able to recognize him. Anyway, that one short moment will last forever...

Ahhhhh....White Tee Guy with the cute dimples...Where are you????? Who are you??? Will I see you again???

The Wet Stuff

2010-10-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

Controversial title...eh??? If you are a Josephite; especially a boarder(lived in the school hostel), you would know what I am talking about, And If you are reading this because the title caught your attention, then we know what your state of mind is!

In St. Joseph's Convent, Kalimpong, a Catholic school for girls, run by the Sisters of St Joseph of Cluny, we lived to eat! It's not like we were not fed. We were!!! Four times a day:
07:30am- Breakfast
11:25am- Lunch
03:30pm- Tea & Snacks
07:30pm- Supper

Yet the wave of gluttony was never satiated. The sly geniuses that we were, we had perfected the act of smuggling food through the mesh, which encompassed the border of the school compound. Whatever time of the day, If opportunity found us or be found, we indulged in that particular "sin" with no second thought. The Boxie Bhaiya (the only Male,the girls looked forward to every day ) with his box of heart-burn inducing( and sometimes the Diarrhea causing) goodies with a very questionable hygiene,was too tempting to resist. He must have made a small fortune and is probably retired to his new three-storied mansion by now. I highly doubt he consumes his own creative culinary (mis)offerings.

Coming to the Wet Stuff..., both origin and intent of the words evade me.
For us, those two words combined were the equivalent of the "happily-ever-after" fairy-tale. Although we referred to food as the Wet Stuff , not every edible was called hither.The Wet Stuff menu was short and comprised of :
Momo
Alu-Thukpa
Phambi
Shya-Phale
Alu-Phale
Lay-Phing
Shapta
Ting-mo
Tai-po
Fried Rice
Chowmein
etc....
(If you are a Josephite, you are probably salivating right now)

And this was how it worked: We would coerce enough "pocket money" from our parents after the holidays.We weren't allowed to keep any money... But have you ever heard of Obedient Girls in Catholic School? If you have,It definitely did not include us! Anyway, we always had a good and close day-scholar friend or two(or more...) who lived in or about the town. And so ,after a thoroughly debated menu ,the math (including the carrier's commission) was done and the funds provided (in accordance to quantity of consumption) began the long and trying process of waiting . What happened after that or how the accomplice procured the objects of our affection, didn't really matter as long as they were delivered . The smuggling of the prohibited food into the school premises were performed skillfully, without creating much chaos or suspicion.(except on those few occasions when the strong and delicious aroma of food would make a few authoritarian eyebrows rise ; And like bloodhounds ,they would track down the smell and apprehend the guilty. But that rarely happened)

The bliss and satisfaction that we got by consuming those items, is vocabularily indescribable. You should see the size most of us were, back in school. We ate like there was no tomorrow! We ate like we had been starving for years! We ate like someone had paid us to eat! We were a bunch of greedy, ravening, gormandizing stomachs and all we cared about was, what to eat the following day!

I guess all of us have grown up now and left those barbaric, swinish days behind; But even today, to mention "Wet Stuff" to a Josephite would be like Pavlov ringing his godforsaken bell much to the disappointment of the dogs! Therefore, I think I speak for all my girls when I say; Our first Love will always be The Wet Stuff.

Untitled

2010-09-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Some times.....I think It rains only on me;
Hasn't my soul grown enough already?
Do I still need the "Watering?"
Oh! yeah, The Universe never gets the hint, It only gives! That's what my friend, Mr Basi says & I couldn't agree more. Well, at this rain rate, I am going to build an ark and fuck the animals... I am going to go in all by myself. May be I can save my soul. (But... the engineering and architecture skills that I have!......zzzzzzzz) Anyway, yeah, Life ain't too good right now; And I wish I could write something sensible and deep but looks like I am fucked in the creative field as well. So there, you have it! This one's a senseless, boring, useless post!

P.S: Do not read It....Too Late??? Ayks...Sorry!

Infinite Reverie

2010-08-21T00:46:00.000-07:00

So, another cigarette burns on my fingers,
An Infinite Reverie;
Slow & Solemn,
The Memory Lingers...

Those Three Words

2010-08-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

This really close friend of mine....Well, she told me about this incident that happened to her recently and I asked her If I could write a blog about It. She gave me her consent( However, I am not disclosing her name). Let's give her a name, we'll call her Megen. This is what happened:

Megen's fallen in love with this guy. They've known each other for a long time and they'd even dated(I mean had a relationship) but for reasons that are too complicated/boring/scandalous/clogged and deranged, we'll skip the part that explains WHY It didn't work out for them. Anyway, the thing is, they still have each other in their Life....& the problem is they have other people as well! Megen's in a relationship with someone else and the guy's (not exactly in a relationship with another girl & I won't say they're just "sleeping around" either but yeah, he has someone else as well.) To make matters worse, the guy is NOT in love with Megen. Now before you raise your brows and go, "WTF?!?! Let me reveal a certain section of their history. The guy used to be totally in Love with Megen. He used to be ready to kiss her shoe strings. He loved her immensely. That was then. After the spat/mess/chaos and hodgepodge, he's changed. (You can't really blame him but nor can you allow him to make that the ultimate excuse)That's the aggravation of their plight!

Coming to the point what exactly happened that made Megen go ballistic and crazy is...She told him she loves him. Now the thing is, If they were sitting together, having "The Talk", those three words would have been appropriate and honest. Why these words have now become a problem is because she blurted them aloud while they were making love!!! (And you think, stuff like this happens only in the movies????) Of course It was towards the end and the guy went conveniently deaf, therefore she never spoke about it with him; But me, being one of her best friends, I cannot go voluntarily deaf/dumb/blind and not pay heed to her situation. She seemed agitated, embarrassed, hurt and totally foolish! I told her honestly, I had no advice. I mean she loves him. What advice(in this case, an excuse or reason) are you going to give your close pal when you know that she meant what she said. How can you tell anybody in any situation that what they did was inappropriate when they've been honest and forthright about their emotion??? Hence I stayed silent.

I am not implying that the guy should give some sort of response to this because the truth is he knows she meant it. What's even a sadder truth is that he knows and he doesn't care! Life...Love...Lies...they're all objectively co related. Who's free from this web of chagrin? What does It matter that she screamed those three words out at a time like that? What does It matter she loves him with an insanely disoriented heart? Another's....He is another's & so is she! She might as well, crush her heart and throw it out in the nearest bin...just like what I do, when I write something down and I feel like It isn't good enough. I crush the paper, throw it away but the words....they stick in my head. Likewise, her emotions, will stick to her heart, no matter how indifferent he acts towards her.

I have no conclusion to draw out of this nor have I felt like I've comprehended one of Life's mysteries. I only have those three words to say (whether the situation be appropriate or not). Go ahead, raise brows, give a defeated sigh and say those three words with me..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?"

Untitled

2010-07-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

I was a naughty kid...Everyone in my family says so...Not just naughty and mischievous but very spoilt and super evil. I still possess some of those traits, even though the quantity has decreased over time. You know some people are "NICE" Yeah, that's the word, ~NICE like my friend, Anisha Singhi. She's this really sweet person. She's beautiful and I have never seen her filled with wrath, jealousy and all those negative emotions. She'll even let you take her for granted because you are her friend! Another one of those Nice People is my cousin, Nasreen. Same good, positive traits with PATIENCE never running low. There are quite a handful of people who are NICE...I am not one of them.

Now this post is not a justification or advocacy for being who I am, or rather for being the way I am. It is also not a warning or threat to say, I am the way I am and you better not complain. No, nothing of that sorts either. It is only a revelation of myself.

I have lots of friends and my friends like me. They say I am good friend and I am there when they need me. It makes me smile. My family never complained much about the way I turned out after a decade in the boarding school with the nuns and college in the city on my own. People who've complained about me are the men I've been with; And before you say anything, Yes, I know what they say is not the ultimate truth and I shouldn't let it bother me...However, would you not be bothered If you were me? It may not be the absolute truth but I can't stay in denial, knowing that there is some amount of truth in it.

Of course I've had my merry times with these men. It is those grave and unhappy times that stick to my head because one man comes, say rude words and goes away. For a while I feel like those harsh words have gone...Another man comes along and after a while, he recites the same words! See, Life is a drama and we all like dramas. If a drama kept playing on the re-run mode on your tv, would you like it???

Selfish, Cruel, Ruthless, Evil, Dominant, Demanding, Egocentric, Hysterical, Psycho, Crazy, Immature, Rapacious etc are some of the adjectives used to describe me. Well I guess some of us have been called such names at one point or the other; But how many of us have been called such names all the time? Okay, then that's just me!

I try to be good you know and don't even tell me I should not change for these men or anyone else. Why not? They mean something to me and at one point or the other, have shared everything with me and Co'mon...Who doesn't want to be a good person? I do! Some times, I succeed...Other times, I fail terribly and no Robert Bruce or any Spider can make me feel glad or positive. Life's like this...

I don't know what Victor Hugo meant when he said, "The greatest conviction in Life is that we are loved, loved for who we are, or rather, Loved in spite of who we are." Well Mr. Hugo, I ain't Quasimodo and my life is barren. This greatest conviction seems to be absent. Any more Love Quote???

God is NOWHERE...no, not NOW! NO-WHERE....get it??? NO-WHERE!!!

2010-07-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

We, foolish humans have unwanted desires...That's a basic fact and once you know it, you don't become the "Enlightened One" instead, It makes you just the opposite...Intolerant!!! Of course we have desires that may seem unwanted and lavish...Hello??? WE ARE HUMANS! Isn't that an excuse for the lives we lead?

Humans...Born to make mistakes and all that shit! Some times these things annoy the crap out of me! See, I am a pretty tolerant person and on a normal day, I can endure to sit next to a pious old man/woman and hear stories about how God is the sole authority and how we are nothing but mere souls, sent here for a while and that we have a better life waiting for us after we die....

Fact 1: I am an Atheist, Therefore, I have a dominant problem when people feed me crap like that. However, I am not a rebellious raging teenager that I'd join anti-christ cults and occult groups....Nor will I dress in black and wear weird make-up!!!! Like I said, I can endure that shit...What really pisses me off is the fact that I have been nourished and fattened with this paltry fact from the time I was born, that the thought about a "Higher Authority" has been tattooed in my head. It pisses me off cos people relate everything to God; Like how he has a hand in everything, especially RELATIONSHIPS & LOVE!!!!...I mean If God really loved the world, why did he sent us to earth??? And what's this whole shit about leading a "Good Life" now so that we can have a better world when we die??? God's testing us? Why would he want to test us If he loved us? Would you put somebody you loved in a maze filled with glittering temptations and test him/her??? And If we're so sure about this so-damn-fucking-next-life...Why can't we all kill ourselves and pass onto the next world???

Fact 2: When you start reading the stuff that you're not supposed to at an early age; Hang out with people you're not supposed to; Eat/Drink things that you're not supposed to...You begin to wander & wonder! Yes, You begin to look around and ask questions....question the faith, question beliefs & question your very own existence! After a quarter of existence in this planet, I began questioning. The funny thing was, no one really had the answers and It all came down to "God knows what is best for you." & "God works in strange ways" and "God is silent because he is listening"...REALLY??? Okay, so God, If you're listening, I want to know why did you let the earthquake in Haiti affect three million people? or wait, Why did you let Hitler and crew persecute the Jews??? or Why did you let so many innocent Japanese die on August 6th, 1947??? Cos honestly speaking, If you could tear the clouds open and part the Red Sea like in the Bible, I think you couldn't have had a better timing than on the days of such catastrophes, to do the same....

Fact 3: Things DON'T happen for a reason. It happens because you want it to or someone else wants it to! It's as simple as that. You love a person, It's your call. He loves you too, His call....He decides to love another person(It's still his call!!!) God has nothing to do with this! God has nothing to do with the fact that you're crying on your bed, heartbroken and hurt, with your own breath choking you and you don't know If It's okay to take the air in and breathe or hold your breath; Both ways you're gonna choke and honey, Both ways, you're fucked!

I wrote this blog cos I was sick and tired of people complaining about God and how cruel he can be cos often enough when you're wailing there with a broken heart, he's turning a deaf ear! Relationships happen cos we want them to. We love people and things happen because we want them to and some times people don't love you or they exploit you, only because they can! Simple as that. God doesn't make them do it! We're humans, remember???

So don't stay there crying on your bed cos he's going to meet his other girlfriend after he made love to you. He's doing it because he can and you're crying because you can...God has absolutely nothing to do with it! I don't mean to be indifferent and cold because I know what pain is and It hurts because that's just the way Life is. Don't look for reasons and explanations, especially when it comes to Love. Trust me, there are none!

......I may sound a bit crude and diabolical but I am going to say it anyway....If you're so depressed and feel like you just want to cease to exist, go ahead and kill yourself. I don't mean to encourage suicide...I am only saying, I won't call you a coward or a retard If you do it. If you still believe God works in strange ways and he has a hand in all of this, then well, I guess I gotta agree with the KING (Stephen King) and say, "God is cruel...Some times he lets you live...."

Untitled

2010-07-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

I've woken up to many horrible mornings....You know...You just lay there, with your eyes open and all you can think is "Fuck! I wish I didn't exist" I am not saying I have frequent suicidal tendencies(I do, but just once in a while). I have more of self-inflicting tendencies like burning myself with the cigarette butt or making small cuts....not deep ones cos it gets too obvious and leaves a scar but those tiny but acute cuts that prick like hell....yeah those kinds....or most often, I like to drown myself in liquor. It doesn't make the pain any less. To be very honest, I don't drink alcohol to drown my sorrows. I mean when Life has fucked you up royally, nothing is going to make sense to you and nothing's gonna matter. NOTHING is going to make you feel better....NOTHING! So If things are gonna stay shitty as ever, why not allow oneslef to consume a drink that helps you drift a little???

So today, It was one of those horrible mornings. . . .I went, "Fuck!" You know that's one word I use so often and It never never never loses its significance of the fact that It delivers the right emotion when used in the right tone! I love that word...It's become a reflex action to anything and everything. Anyway, yeah this horrible morning, I woke up and things happened and blah blah blah...Let's cut all that and just get to that one point.....I am talking about PAIN.

Fuck....When It hurts, It hurts so bad....I thought I would never feel this kind of hurt you know. I mean after all that post drama break-up with the Toadman, I'd decided to watch out for myself, never fall in too deep and never let someone get so close....never love any man selflessly....But these things are out of control. We're all fools and I am the greatest of all so I allowed myself to fall in love again, to be hurt, to be filled with so much pain that when you cry, your heart almost stops and the pain becomes physical....Your head hurts; Your hands tremble; Your feet are all cold; Your eyes are sore and Your heart is engulfed in this abominable ache....an ache full of agony and misery that you actually wished It killed you instead of leaving you half-dead.

So yeah, I am in pain right now and the stuff I've written doesn't need to be taken seriously. I mean the world has serious issues to deal with, like Children in Mozambique and Somalia who are dying of hunger; Terrorism; Immigrants who are deported; Ecological Disturbance & Damage and shit like that. I am not being sarcastic and I am not writing this so people pity me or feel for me. I am only writing cos I don't know what else I can do....It hurts, It really does and no one is to blame.

I am heading out to my friend, Angelo's place...It's been a while since I saw him and we're gonna drink, drink, drink...may be think a little but we'll stick to what we do best...DRINK....and the Pain won't go away...It never does but I'll drink anyway.
So cheers everyone.....This one's for the PAIN!

Things have Changed.....That's what You said....

2010-06-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

~ Sideways, Citizen Cope

That Sinking Feeling

2010-05-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

As I walked through the garden and into the parlor, I knew I wasn't happy. The school receptionist greeted my mother and me with her usual big smile and pulling my cheeks, she asked, "How was your vacation? Ready to start school again?"
I wanted to scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Unfortunately, I didn't have a choice. I walked into the dormitory, my mother holding my hand. I saw the others girls who were with their parents, returning to the boarding after the long winter break. None of them had a happy face.
In the dormitory, I pulled the sheets in and made my bed. My mother arranged my locker for me. I changed into my tunic, deliberately delaying time so I could spend more time with her. I hated the colour of the walls and the wooden floors. I hated the small wooden beds. I hated the smell that place had. I didn't want to live in a four walled juvenile home with the nuns who made rules for everything and forced discipline onto us like Hitler. I wanted to watch tv everyday, not just on Sundays! I didn't want to study. I missed my dog. I missed my freedom. I missed home.
"So I am going to go now. You take care of yourself and eat well and most important of all, study well. You're big girl now; And fourth standard is not as easy as the third. You have to put in extra effort and study. okay?" My mother smiled and kissed me on the head.
I could feel my chubby cheeks turning hot and I stood there, without saying a word.
My mother walked towards the gate and as I saw her stepping out, my heart sank. Clutching the wai-wai packet hard, tears began to roll down my face.
That sinking feeling.........



I knew he was up to something. Yes, we'd had a fight a couple of days ago but we were always fighting, weren't we? That didn't mean he wasn't supposed to call me! I hadn't heard from my boyfriend in 72 hours and I was beginning to lose my patience. I called him again. No answer. I changed into my jeans and a jumper.
"Where do you think you're going at this hour?" my friend asked.
"I know it. He's up to something. I have to go see him now," I replied.
"It's 4am!"
"I know but I have to see him. I know it...I have that feeling"

I reached his place and rang the door bell. His friend answered the door and as soon as he saw me, the colour from his face drained and he stood there, awkward and uncomfortable.
"Where is he?" I asked.
The friend started mumbling out some words but there was no stopping me. I entered the house and saw some people, drinking, smoking.
"You're having a gathering?" I asked the friend.
He just stood there, his eyes on the floor.
"Where is he?"
I was almost screaming and I started looking around. I saw there were two rooms and one of the doors was shut. I went towards it and tried to open. It was locked from inside. I began screaming his name and banging the door.
"What the fuck....." he opened it. He stood there, in his boxers, his hair ruffled, a big red love bite on his neck and a girl stood behind him.
"Mother fucker *&^#$%^*******" I lost my sense for a bit.

As I walked back home after, I didn't even cry. Something inside me felt queasy and sick. I thought my heart stopped beating and I realized I'd walked way beyond my house. Cursing, I took a deep breath in but I didn't feel new. I felt the same.
That sinking feeling...............


I woke up with his arms around me and as I sat up, he stirred, rolled over and kissed me. I looked at him for a while. We'd overslept but we didn't care. We didn't care about anything else or anyone else at that moment. I put my tee on and went out to get the morning paper. I got back into bed and cuddling next to him, I kissed him, "Good morning"
He whined.....kissed me back, "I want to sleep longer"
Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses
I started reading the paper and under the blanket, I put my leg over his. He ran his fingers through them, his eyes closed and his lips, curved into a slight smile.
His phone started ringing. He reached for it and answered sleepily.
"Yeah,"
"Now?"
"I am at home"
"Give me thirty minutes....."
He hung up
He rolled over, lay still for a while, took my hands and kissed them.
"I have to go. My girlfriend's coming over to my place"
I nodded, my heart , capsized.
"Take a shower, " I pointed to the silly drawings on his chest that I'd made the previous night with my lipstick.
"Right" he got out of bed

I went into the kitchen and started preparing tea. The sun was too bright all of a sudden and the stupid window seemed like It was allowing more sunlight than usual.
He came in, took my hands and pulled me closer.
"I have to go...okay? I'll see you...soon?"
I nodded....I could hear the water boiling in the kettle.
He kissed me on my forehead.
"Bye"
"Bye," It came out soft, I don't think he heard It.
For a moment, my body felt weightless and this time for sure, my heart stopped beating.
That sinking feeling..................

Sweet Dreams ....The Other Side of the Trance

2010-05-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

...And I was with someone else...I don't remember...It's not even important! You were there and It was exactly like you described....We were celebrating a mundane occasion and I sat there, smoking.
Our eyes met....
It was one enduring moment & It lasted forever.
I didn't lean in to kiss you.
The look in your eyes said you didn't want me to.
We sat there, looking at one another.
Nothing changed.
Another moment, You began to fade
Your image, blanching
You disappeared.
Nothing remained....
It's true....
"When You're dreaming with a broken heart;
Waking up is the hardest part"

Sweet Dreams~

The End

2010-05-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

She rehearsed what She was going to tell Him in Her head...It wasn't going to be easy, She knew but It was time and She had to do it.
It hadn't been working out for them. She knew that; And She hoped He knew that as well....
But for fuck's sake....He loved her and She knew He loved Her & She was going to hurt Him.
She nervously cracked her knuckles and began chewing the skin around her nails.
She looked at Her watch.
He was supposed to have been there by now....What was taking him so long?
She thought of all the times that they had spent together and She vividly recalled this one particular time when He'd carried Her on His back, simply because She was too tired to walk....
This other time when He'd surprised Her with a Swarovski bracelet.....
And another time when He'd woken Her up with a bunch of roses and breakfast-in-bed after they'd had an ugly fight the previous night....
"What the fuck am I doing???" She thought
Suddenly She felt like She was going to collapse
A sinking feeling....
Like as If She was about to miss her flight...
"Oh my fucking God!" She knew She couldn't end It. She realized, in spite of the silly fights and the misunderstandings, She actually loved him!
She stood up and anxiously looked at her watch again.
When He'd come, She'd throw herself at him and tell Him how sorry She was for everything and that, She was ready to give them both another chance.
Beep Beep......A text message from Him.
It read:
I am sorry....I can't do this anymore. I think we both need to go our separate ways. Good Bye & Good Luck

Could It Be Any Harder???

2010-05-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

And you were still YOU....
I wasn't me.....
I wanted to,
I couldn't....
Could It Be Any Harder????

This is sooooooooooooo Funny....NOT!!!!!

2010-05-04T05:25:00.000-07:00

Definition/Study of a North-East Indian( based on the Behavioral pattern and the Pro-Social Nature of the Ignorant Indians): Any fair skinned person with small eyes whose staple diet is Momo & whose language is "Ching-Chong". These people look alike and It is very difficult to differentiate between them even If one happens to be your really good friend. It is perfectly natural to mistake a stranger for your best bud (even though you know what your best bud was wearing when you stepped out of the house together and the stranger is in a completely different attire!). Yeah, that's about it! Nothing much.....

Okay, so I like Shahid Kapoor. I think he's cute and beyond that, he's a versatile actor. He's second on my list after SRK. Hence when I saw the trailer of his upcoming film, "Badmaash Company," I was delighted and obviously made up my mind to watch the film. Last week I noticed a particular scene in the trailers and trust me, It didn't make me happy.

Now I don't know If this film is a remake/Hindi version of the Jim Strugees, Kate Boshworth, Kevin Spacey starer 21(with of course, a lot of naach-gaana and hot girls in bikini and the elimination of an 'Old-Man' aka Kevin Spacey ...who needs an Old Guy in a Mod-Bollywood flick???)

If It's one of those "different" films that most of our actors talk about.

Anyway, I was lazying around, with the television on and the Badmaash Company trailer flashed on tv.

This scene: Shahid Kapoor & the gang are hanging around and having a good time...la-la-la etc and Shahid very "genuinely" puts his arm around an unknown Asian Guy, assuming him to be his buddy, Chang (or Zing, His character in the movie.Btw I think It's very innovative and creative of the film makers to come up with such an unusual name like "Zing" considering that most often, the Asian characters in Hindi films are named, "Bahadur" or "Thapa")

Note***Asian Guy & Zing= Small eyes, Fair-skinned Boys. (Co'mon....You can't blame anyone for mistaking them as one person, Can you? But hey, You better not mistake a Sikh with a turban for a Muslim Cause I am gonna beat the shit outta you!)

My point is....Is that an excuse or a reason for people from other regions of the country to think that all North-Easterns look alike?

This is pure racism and It's put so subtly across the screen that most of you haven't even noticed it! You've only noticed Shahid Kapoor and his washboard abs or Anushka Sharma and her longer-than-the-Nile legs. The reason I am appalled by this whole scene is that I cannot believe somebody in the film crew came up with such an insensitive idea as this and the director put it in the film, probably thinking, "This is funny!".

To which I have a response, "Sorry Mr Director, I don't find that the least bit funny. Wait...how about Shahid Kapoor mistaking another non-Asian guy for Vir Das??? That would be soooooooooo funny! I would be ROFL-ing. Seriously....cause It's not like You are this Crass Racist who thinks only because Chang has "small eyes", It makes all the difference, do you? This scene is very very genuine and not misleading! Is that right?"

See, I still like Shahid Kapoor and It's not like I am not going to watch this movie or protest or even create a group in Facebook. The thing is, I only wish that more people saw how Racism is encouraged and enhanced in this country.(Knowingly or Unknowingly) I mean, It's literally celebrated and then we have a problem when Foreigners think that "Indian" is the language of India. Most of the people in this country don't even know how many states make up this country and the North-East region is considered insignificant to them. I remember studying the names of all the states, their capitals, their festivals and everything about the state in a subject called Social Studies when I was in the primary section! I doubt the Ignorant people had such a subject in school. I am not saying that one should be a Smart Alec or Mr/Ms know-It-all....All I am saying is that you should know enough to differentiate between right and wrong.

And coming back to the film, Badmaash Company, I "genuinely" hope that the movie does not bomb at the Box-Office. With all his movies busting, Shahid sure, is in need of a hit. (No pun intended).

You Stay

2010-04-26T03:42:00.000-07:00

The Last Conversation,

The Final Goodbye,

The Concluding Sighs,

The Wrenching Heartache.....

It plays over & over again.

I Miss YOU

I think YOU'LL never go away

The Same Old, Brand New Me

2010-04-16T06:48:00.000-07:00

Okay...So I didn't die;

And I've learnt that I am no Nostradamus.....I am actually glad that my predictions were awfully incorrect and insanely stupid! Anyway, I turned BLONDE today. yaay!

If Tomorrow Never Comes

2010-04-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I know why some people call me "Crazy." I think a lot. I mean I have a lot of spare time therefore, I think of all the unnecessary and silly things. (The kind of things that normal/busy people don't have the time nor the interest to think about). Well here's what I was thinking today:

I am flying to Bangalore at 6:35 am. It's 2:30am right now. Well, I was thinking what If my plan crashes and I die??? Obviously you are rolling your eyes and going, "WTF!". I told that to three people today and their response was the same. I mean I am scared of death...petrified you know. I am young and I haven't really done anything much and the very thought that If I cease to exist, nothing much is gonna change in this world; Life is just going to go on and in due course of time, people are going to forget me....It kills me already! Isn't It ironic? The fact that 'Death' is the most certain thing that is ever going to occur in a individual's Life and yet you never really know when It's going to strike at you, therefore making It uncertain! I haven't even smoked up nor have I had any liquor today and I am already feeling demented!

What If I really die tomorrow??? This would be eerie you know...I mean, Me, sorta predicting my own death! I always thought I would die when I was 76 or something cos you see, I was born in the year, 1986, the same year that Halley's Comet was last seen. I was in the fifth standard when I learnt that It comes after every 76 years! I always do that...I try to give myself some importance/significance and things like that.Since It marked my birth, I thought may be the next time It comes around, It'll mark my death; And you know what? In the eighth standard, I read somewhere that MARK TWAIN had said the same and that man was so damn right! He actually predicted his own death! I felt fucked up! I mean, there I was , thinking that I'd thought of something original and bizarre and lo, you have a genius like Mr. Mark Twain who's already been there, done that! (I keep telling you...I am sickeningly ordinary!)

Anyway, So like, If I die tomorrow....I know nothing much is going to change but I am definitely going to be really sad (Fuck! It won't even matter!!!!) and then I am going to think of this blog that I wrote. I suppose this will be the last thing on my mind....

BUT

If I don't die, then I'll be back with my new post and I am probably going to write about how much I suck at predictions and premonitions! Until then, Good bye all. Think of me when I am dead and gone. (I think I know one person who will be happy when I die.....The Knave who stole the tarts....Listen, I am sorry. )

Untitled VII

2010-04-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

She pulled the covers and shut her eyes. Sleep had been evading her for quite some time now. (Or was It the other way round?). She felt exhausted. The work scene had been stressful for the last two weeks and the love scene was a wreck! She opened her eyes again. Sleep was not going to make her happy; She lay in her bed. She looked at her table clock. It had stop functioning god-knows-when! That gave her some sort of relief...Not knowing what time It was, made her feel free. Every hour something or the other needs to be done. When you have no clue what hour It is, You need not be worried about what to do! The "Past" had been playing on her head like a Black & White Charlie Chaplin movie.....Soundless!
She missed him...She always had.
She Loved him....She always had.
She'd broken him....Like She always had.
A Sea of Confusion and Chaos took over and She had no life jacket on! Hell...She didn't even know how to swim! She felt like she was sinking, falling, drowning. She didn't even make any effort to stay afloat. This sure was a deluge and She was no Noah to build an ark! Although the waters covered her, she found herself breathing. Why wasn't she dead yet?
She turned to His side of the bed.
She placed her hands there and closed her eyes.
She could almost hear him breathing next to her.
She opened her eyes and his evanescent image disappeared in no time!
She sighed but She didn't cry. Lately, tears had been ignoring her.
She closed her eyes again, with her hands still on His side of the bed.
"Sweet Dreams," She said

In another part of the city...He was Dreaming of Her.

"It's time to face the Truth....I will never Be with You"

2010-03-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

This one's actually four years old. You know that Post-Break-Up phase. I wrote this on 14th April 2006 when I bumped into my ex (The Toadman...Okay promise I will stop calling him that after this post), three months after he dumped me. It was at a party and he was with his new girlfriend. It was just like the movies....totally awkward and unplanned (even though I'd spent each and every day in those last three months wishing and wanting to meet him). Here It is....The Stinky Past:

A sea of faces,
I was struggling in.
Time racing; The noise deafening.
I looked into your eyes,
Tranquility swept over.
You looked back at me,
Time was stagnant; And
She stood behind.
My smile was weak & my voice, almost lost.
Your smile was uncertain;
You had no words.
I walked on by.
You lead her through.
I felt exhausted.
I'd lost You.

Wanna-be Workaholic

2010-03-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

You know you're getting older when the first thing you click on your lappie is your work file and not the facebook browser! Yes, as per the mandatory law of Nature, I am aging and so is everybody else! It's not necessarily a bad thing! I am employed....Yeah, Yeah, I was supposed to be studying, pursuing my Masters degree in Mass Communication from the prestigious university of Jamia, New Delhi....that's what I was supposed to be doing but the truth is, I am not. I quit! (I am not telling you why and I do have further plans of studying but not now, not just yet). So I am working with this company called Tangerine Digital. The company is all about watching Hollywood flicks and filling the data; Right from the full cast and crew, to the trivia to the scene by scene information! Its a tiresome job but I completed my one week at work today so I just thought I'd write about how this past week's been and surprisingly, I look forward to going to office everyday!

The first good thing about my job is that I don't have to wake up early. My shift starts at 5:30pm so that gives me plenty of time to sleep. The second thing is that It's not a permanent job. It's a contract for three months for which I will be paid ten grand every month. Don't raise your brows and go, "Are you insane? This job is only temporary and you're underpaid!".
Well the thing is I plan to move abroad and hence need to work on my admission and application after a couple of months and I don't really care about the money. Since my parents have no clue what I am up to...They've been sending me my pocket money as usual and that's more than enough! Anyway, back to my work story.

I reach work by 5:35pm or so and then greet people there. I always give a friendly pat to my friends, Zion (a Naga guy from Manipur) & Avinash (a software engineer from Assam). There are other people as well but we're just acquaintance. Zion & Avinash are my buddies. We usually take a break around 7:00pm and head downstairs to the open parking for coffee and cigarette. Zion's the guy with the funny bone! I once asked him,
"Hey how tall are you?"
To which, he replied, "5'9". He paused and seriously added, "I used to be 6'2 though"
Avinash is the serious, sensible guy but not the boring kinds!
I am the blabber mouth in the group. Avinash has already judged me as the "Crazy Woman" and he keeps warning Zion every now and then!
When we get back to our desk, we work seriously; However, things haven't been going smooth for me as It has been for the other two. Avinash is already done with his file and Zion is half-way through whereas I am just beginning the second sheet. (We have four sheets to fill). The thing is, initially I was given this uber boring 80's action flick called Cobra, starring Sylvester Stallone. After working on it for two days, I went up to my boss and complained. He let me choose another movie. (God bless the Boss) and I picked one of my favourites, Con Air. I began working on it instantly. Unfortunately the computer I was sitting a,t froze and yeah, you know me...I hadn't saved the file! My time and my effort all went down the drain.
Day 4 was a holiday.
Day 5, I worked my ass off and completed the first sheet. (The first sheet is the cast & crew sheet and that takes forever).
Day 6, I began with my second sheet & then I realized something was wrong. I double checked the first sheet and to my horror and irritation, the files were wrong! I have no clue what happened or why It happened. See, the thing is we are new recruits and we sit on the permanent employees' desk as they cover the day shift and are at home while we work at night. I don't know who used the system during the day time but by the time I began working there, my entire file had been messed up and corrupted!
Of course I whined and complained but that didn't work so I had to start working right from the beginning. Turns out this girl, Nikita is a sorta genius at this work and she taught me a shortcut to fill the sheet and behold, once I discovered that, the first thing I told Zion and Avinash was, "Guys, we're idiots! There is a shorter way to do this"
To which Zion responded, "Yes, we are, the '3 Idiots"
I completed how much ever I could and then copied the file to my mail and got the stuff home. Reached home and while all went to bed, I sat up and began working on my file. It took me slightly more than an hour to finish the first sheet! Phew.....
I have an off tomorrow and I plan to sleep till noon and then laze around and later in the evening, go play basketball with a couple of friends. However, I am not staying up late on Sunday night and exhausting myself. I have work on Monday. remember???
Anyway, that was week one and now you know what I am up to these days. I guess I am just excited for the fact that this is my first actual job. I know my excitement is all going to dry up soon but for now, let me live in this moment. I am getting older, I have responsibilities; I have a job; I am getting paid.....
Just one thing, Don't tell my folks about it. I haven't dropped the bomb on them yet but I plan to do so soon....not now, not just yet...soon though!

Since I told YOU It's over.....

2010-03-22T01:52:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite songs: Since I told You It's over by Stereophonics

"Black & Blue from the wind & the rain,
Said I'm sorry for the lies & the pain...
I never ever meant to make you cry
If I could take it back, You know I would
I wanna burn up & die....

So take a look at me now....
Since I told you it's over
You got a hole in your heart
I'll find a four leaf clover
You can't tell me this now
This far down the line
That you're never, ever gonna get over me

You've seen a cross, It's a cross I bear,
You're drinking hard up living without a hope or a care,
You're making do to please, see what makes you smile
You're not around for long,
You gotta see what's gonna move your life right along.

I am lost,
I am cold,
I am getting old,
My head is filled with lies I told.

I've been down,
I've been around
But I've fallen on my own two feet;
And I've left you out to drown
I never meant for that.

I look around, some times, I stare,
I think back, now & then,
I hope you know I care,
I walked away that day, trying to treat you right,
But you were on your track, It was me turning back
I left you freezing outside.....

So take a look at me now,
Since I told you It's over,
You got a hole in your heart,
I'll find a four leaf clover,
You can't tell me this now,
This far down the line,
That you're never, ever gonna get over me....."

Everything Ends

2010-03-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

You know I haven't really been doing anything much in the last few days. I do have some chores to complete but Procastrinator is my middle name (It might as well be my first name!); Anyhow, so when one is in this idle and passive state, one always begin to THINK...Yes, we think of all the good times and the bad times and the funny times and out of the three, It is usually the second one which is vivid and intact. I've had such ugly and unfortunate events in my life that If I told you about it, you'd probably yawn because you've heard it before!

Well, to get down to the point, I was thinking about my first boyfriend, The Toadman. (I should probably stop calling him that). Obviously I blame him all the time for all the awful things that happened between us and the chain-reaction of the crappy situations I've fallen into, in the relationships that followed. However, I thought...yes, I thought hard and I thought why do I wish that he was dead? Why do I want his life to be unbearable? Why does it matter? Then I began to think of all the happy times that I had with him (Even though they were rare). I thought of the things that he taught me about Life & the fact that he was clear from the beginning itself that he did not love me. Then I realized that I've been over him long time ago but this evil side of me never let me get past the thought that I wanted terrible things to happen to him. So just like that, I decided that It really doesn't matter If he dies tomorrow or If he gets insanely rich & happy. It just doesn't matter and that's all!

So this is probably the last post about him and as a human being, I wish him a good life.(Seriously & genuinely) because everything ends and today, my hatred for him has ended. No more writing murders, no more cursing, no more of the Toadman (I promise I will quit calling him that after this post). He was just living his life, that's all and I probably should start living mine because you know why? Everything ends and so will Life.

A Different Time

2010-03-10T12:24:00.000-08:00

The world slept as they lay awake. She laughed hysterically as he told her stories of not very long ago. Their fingers entwined as he continued with his tales and she leaned in closer and kissed him. It was a short kiss, she broke away. He pulled her closer but she only laughed. She teased him...that's what she always did. He loved her when she did that. He loved her anyway, all the time.

Unclad yet so warm in each other's arms, they continued lying awake. She talked now; She talked of her family, her friends, her world. She talked endlessly; And he'd heard them all before but he listened caressing her as she spoke perpetually, never moving his gaze away from her. She noticed him watching her. She blushed a little but boldly, she placed her lips on his and they kissed. A long, deep, full kiss. He pulled back and looked at her for a while. She blushed again.

She began playing her favourite songs and he watched her as she lip synced them and sang some of the words aloud. She was a terrible singer but how he loved to hear her voice, out of tune. She giggled nervously like a six year old and grabbed a book that always lay by their bed side.

She read it aloud. He listened...He always did. She changed her tone when required and even made attempts to play characters; She came across words that were unknown to her, she looked at him for help. He smiled and said it out for her. She stared in bewilderment for a while and then kissed him again. The reading session lasted until he felt his eyes get heavy and he asked her to stop, politely. She closed the book and kept it back on the bedside table, It's usual place.

He pulled her body close to his and holding her from behind, they lay still, without a care in the world. He kissed her neck and her lips curved into a smile.

He thought of nothing else but her.

She thought of nothing else but him.

How they both loved each other.....

It was a different time.

It was a long time ago.

It was the finest of times but like I said, It was a different time.

Tonight I write the Saddest Lines

2010-03-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

As a part of my course, I did Pablo Neruda's poem in my Under-grad level a couple of years ago. It was called: Tonight I write the saddest lines. It was in translation (Of course!)
Those of you, who have read the poem know how simple yet deep the lines are. Those of you who haven't, I'd like to share the poem with you and my thoughts on it. So this is not a regular post of stuff that I do or that happen to me. Read It If and when you have the time:

Tonight I write the saddest lines,
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."  [Notice how he states that its night and obviously night = without light= darkness. He says the sky is full of stars but uses the word "shiver" for stars when people usually say the stars twinkled; Also the mention of the "blue" night]

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.  [Isn't it such a haunting picture. I can almost hear the wind crying in this line]

Tonight I write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.  [Such blatant truth layered with some amount of uncertainty in such a simple line]

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her. [The truth again, in a tone full or regret and remorse]
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? [The bigger truth: If he had the opportunity to love her again, He would]

Tonight I write the saddest lines.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.  [Forsaken, Betrayed, Crushed. The pain is almost physical. To have had her once and to have lost her is excruciating]

To hear the immense night, more immense without her. ["Hear" the night says he's alone. It describes his solitude and loneliness. The silence is deafening and his desolation, a tribulation; Also the use of the word "immense" to describe how vast and void the night is] And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass. [How these sad, depressing lines actually brings the reader some sort of relief because he/she can identify & relate]

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her. [Helpless yet the desire and his longing to have just one sight of her]
My heart searches for her and she is not with me. [Defeat and Disappointment]

The same night that whitens the same trees. [How time flies by and separates them; forcing them to be somewhere else, to be somebody else, even If they may not wan it]
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her. [ The lie: I no longer love her" because he wants to deny it but somehow he cannot even lie. He goes right ahead in the nest line and even though he uses the past tense, It is evident that he still loves her]
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear. [ I could cry in this line.He sounds vanquished and broken]

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.  [The harsh truth that when Its over, Its only over because something new has to begin. The acrid truth that he will be or probably has been replaced]

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her. [ The insanity creeping in and deliberate confusion taking over]
Love is so short and oblivion so long. [ Love dies but memories come back to haunt you over and over again. Love is concise but forgetting takes more than one life time]

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.  [Despite the denial and confusion in the earlier lines, He eventually admits that He is missing her]

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her. [ He ends the poem with a lie, knowing that he is lying; knowing that the readers don't believe him because when he lies, he escapes from this coarse reality; And escaping looks like the only sane thing left for him to do]
Tonight I write the saddest lines

Pretty Pink Boys; Pretty Blue Girls

2010-03-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

Is Confusion an excuse?
OR
Is it a crime?
Well I presume, most of you would scratch your head, rub your chin (Cos I know most of you are as dramatic as me) and say, "It depends"
This whole Depending factor screws the shit even more, Don't you think so?
Okay, so most of us are ...ummm...what??? Sinners??? I mean yeah, we haven't really murdered anyone (except fictitiously) or committed those serious kind of crimes but we know that we aren't Mother Teresas or Jesus Christs!
I bet you're still trying to figure out what shit am I getting into? Well I won't beat around the bush anymore. (That's not even my thing!) I am talking about this Guilt Trip:
When I was a kid, I was asked to choose between two chocolates. I wanted both so I took one and quietly stole another when no one was watching. The other chocolate was meant for my cousin so when interrogated by the parents, I pulled in the Puss-in-Boots face from Shrek and got away with it.
That night, I couldn't sleep. The Guilt Trip took total control and I began having hallucinations and It felt like a natural phenomena. I think that was the first time in my life I felt insane and No, I did not tell my parents the truth. With due course of time, I sort of forgot about the whole incident. However even today, this Guilt Trip takes me over and often I wish I'd told them that It was me but you know what? I think they know it. They'd always known it!
I got older and I should have known that the Guilt Trips were about to get worse! Well this and that happened and eventually I was stuck between two people that I loved and I couldn't choose. So Confusion took over and I kept running here and there and choosing one and loving the other and again running to the other but loving another! Fucking Confusing, right???? However I made my choice.
Now many nights, the Guilt Trip takes over. This time I am seriously hallucinating cause I resort to alcohol and drugs. Now, before you open your mouth, raise your brows and go all histrionic, let me make it clear that I am NOT an addict but I am not sane enough to keep away from dugs and liquor either!
So yeah....this choice that I've made, makes me think! I am not saying I don't love my boyfriend. I do and believe me when I say he's awesome cause he gives me my space and he makes me happy. It's just that I think...I think about what I've done in the past and somehow that doesn't make me feel good. In fact, It kills me & It goes beyond that; I come back from the dead and the truth kills me again! (So Mr Ex If you're wishing me dead then you should know that I die frequently: And I hope that gives you some sort of pleasure).
Fate is never really what we make of ourselves; We are forced to choose and we're forced to lie...Fate is just this pre-planned scheme that we've been given and whatever happens, It's just meant to be. So, do you think that the person that I did NOT choose knows that I wish I'd chosen him? (NOTE*** Doesn't mean I made the wrong choice. I wish I could choose them both or that, they was a better way to end the crisis rather than choosing)
Do you think He'll ever know?
Do you think He's always known?
Do you think He even cares?
Do you? Do you? Do you????
You know what? I am just gonna grab something to drink. This shit is driving me insane!

The Photoshop Magic

2010-03-01T08:27:00.001-08:00

Bad Day

2010-02-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

I like to write stuff about things that ordinary people can relate to....I mean everybody has a BAD DAY I know! Like you could have a Bad Hair Day or Bad Fat Day or Bad Day over all but once in a while you and I both have such days when we curse till we run out of words or displace our anger on everybody around, Yes, Today was a Bad Day. Here are the reasons why:

I stayed awake the whole night playing poker and I lost more than 50 k chips....Okay that's not even important &; Then at 7:30, I begin searching for the programme listings on Star Sports & ESPN for the game between L.A Lakers and Dallas Mavericks and guess what? Some dumb fuck tennis is on on Star Sports & ESPN is broadcasting the winter olympics! Okay, we live in a Sovereign, Democratic, Republic nation....May I please have the liberty to watch what I want to watch???? No!!!! Somebody high above has conveniently assumed/presumed that tennis and the winter olympics is a better watch than the NBA! Screw you!!!!!

Thank God for the Internet. My friend sent me a link where I could watch the game live but Thanks to the Indian Internet Service that had the game lagging behind ten minutes. I still didn't complain. I started complaining when the referee started favouring the Mavs because It was a home match and giving them free throws for every fouls knowing that the Mavs are pretty good at that. You can't even imagine my disappointment and anger when the Lakers lost by a close margin! I wanted to cry! You see, I've always been that super enthu about my favourite team....I simply cannot accept defeat. I mean eventually I do but that instant moment when defeat slams my face, I go berserk! That's me!

Then I fell asleep. I had all sorts of bad dreams only to be woken up by my mother's irritating phone call. She and me have never had a proper relationship. By proper relationship, I mean normal. She's always angry at me for something or the other and vice versa. Turns out she's angry at me today because my cousin who was supposed to help her with some work is here in Delhi, at my place! Tell me how is it my fault???? And also the fact that out of the two items that I was supposed to send her last week, I sent only one and now she's super mad at me! Jesus Christ! Give me break!!!! My mother calls me and begins with her shouting and screaming totally unaware of the fact that I've had my menstrual cycle that very day and I am sort not in a very good mood myself! My response is equally disturbing.

My fathers calls me. I abort his calls. My brothers call me. I abort their calls as well. Finally after an hour my eldest brother calls me again and I decide to receive his call. We talk and we talk for about forty-five minutes and he talks sense into me. So I decide to apologize to my mother by sending her a 3 page text message to which she fails to respond! Sigh....technology and my mother don't go hand-in hand so I am assuming she doesn't know how to respond to my SMS.

My father is arriving in the city tomorrow because he is leaving for Europe the day after. Can you imagine the bullet like words and scolding I am in store for???? Well, don't!!! I may write a blog about it as well and spare you the time to imagine!

Welcome to my world...Isn't It as ordinary and as complicated as your's???? We all have Bad Days...My suggestion to you is sleep over it. Tomorrow is another day; Another time....Things couldn't get worse and If at all it does....curse it and sleep over it again! The day after could be a Good One....

What's my Age Again???

2010-02-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

When I was dating this guy....I mean my first boyfriend. (We weren't really in a relationship. It was the period of courtship actually), we got texting until late night and he seemed to be sort of bothered that I was seven years younger than him. Back then, I thought I was all wise and witty when I replied, "Age is only a state of mind" I should have seen the signs then itself and replied, "Yeah, you could go to jail for it. Bye-bye Paedophile!" Anyway, we are not going to be talking about the Toadman today (Note: Those who wish to know who the Toadman is should read my previous post titled, Death of a Toadman).

I am twenty three years old. Some people say I look younger (blush~blush~Thank you very much to all who think that way) ; Lately I've been sort of confused about my age. I mean yes, I know I was born in the year 1986 & It's the year of the TIGER, which also reminds me that there are only 1411 Tigers left in India so please save those beautiful creatures by doing whatever you can! Okay, Okay before I stray away, let me get back to what I was telling you...My age! Yes, What's my age again????

See, I've always felt like I was the odd one out. I mean not when I was in school. In the boarding I hung out with girls my age and everything was even! Once I got our of school, I started dating the Toadman who was several years elder to me and I hung out with people who had already been there, done that! They often told me that I was too young and I had so much to do and Life was out there waiting for me. Then, time passed and we all moved on. Obviously a lot of things happened after that.....

These days when I am browsing through facebook or when I receive friend requests from girls that I find difficult to recall or wonder If I know them at all! They turn out to be my juniors from school who were tiny kids when I left and now have turned into hot/gorgeous/almost unrecognizable chicks! Man...I feel old! I know everybody grows (except midgets/dwarfs etc) but when you see somebody that you knew as a twelve year old now a beautiful,intelligent twenty year old ...you feel old! But then my present boyfriend (is six years elder to me ) and I hang out with his pals all the time and they tell me that I am too young and I have my whole life ahead! I feel like I am the odd one...again!

I think I am at this awkward juncture in life. I mean I come from the generation that played bhara-kuti and wore plastic wrist watch for fun as a kid; The most hip Barbie dolls we had were Happy Birthday Barbie (that wore a gorgeous gown) and Wai-Wai was five bucks! Yes, the same time when the only chewing gum we had was a pink square/rectangle HP chewing gum that made your jaws sore after chewing for about five minutes and the sweets that we relished on were those Boys Mithai (especially that black one with the yellow cover) which cut the inside of your cheek If you had too much of it!

Sigh! The confusion and the need for belonging that comes with age...Is It mandatory??? Or Is It just me??? Sorry, What's my age again???

P.S: Please save the Tigers; Remember only 1411 left in India :)

A Racist's Tale about Racism

2010-02-15T03:02:00.000-08:00

This isn't the first time that I've been attacked racially in this country! To begin with, I belong to this country and therefore I don't understand why most people have a problem with that. Yes, I look different and I have smaller eyes because I was born in Sikkim, which lies in the north-east region of India and I have fairer skin and smaller eyes! Yes, I look different but that does not give you any reason to point fingers at me!
There have been several incidents where Indians belonging to other regions, especially Central India and South India have passed lewd racist comments at me when I have been walking in the streets. I have learnt to ignore them. However one time at Bangalore PVR Cinemas, the guy selling tickets called me a "chinki" and obviously I got agitated and complained to the authorities who took action against him; But do you think he will think twice before he does the same again? I think NOT!
Yesterday while I was on my way to my friend's house, I had another horrible incident. A jaat guy and two of his friends came up to me and started with their racist attacks. I ignored. I was trying to get an auto but that guy was on his bike and he didn't allow me to get in, blocking my way and threatening the auto-wala that If he took me in his auto, He would break the glass of the auto! People stood around and watched the show. Trust me, they enjoyed it thoroughly. I mean obviously there were getting a reality show for free and as we know our people love these dramas especially when its mufth! mufth! mufth! Nobody around helped or even showed any concern. I knew I was helpless and the only wise thing to do would be to stay quiet. I didn't react. I wanted to. That very moment I kept wishing I had a gun in my hand so that I could blow that mother fucker's brains out. The truth was, I did not have a gun and I could not kill that son of a bitch. I stayed helpless and numb.
The funny thing is, when Indians are attacked in Australia, the people here in the country make a hue and cry about how unfair and unacceptable this issue is. Really???? I feel like laughing on their faces and saying, Dude, you're killing me with your hypocrisy! Please spare me that "We should not be a racist" shit. I want to take a gun, probably AK-47 an shoot down all those spastic fucks who pass any racist comments or treat me this way. Yes, that's what I wan to do.
Therefore when such racist attacks happen in Australia, I feel like getting my cheer-leader's uniform and carrying yellow and green pom-poms, I feel like cheering the Australians because at least they can do what I cannot but wish I could. Yes, I am a racist but at least I am not a hypocrite.

His Name Is Khan

2010-02-15T01:13:00.000-08:00

Shah Rukh Khan needs no introduction. The man is undoubtedly the King of Bollywood. I know some people "hate" him and often have something negative to say when I proclaim that I am one of his biggest fans and I Love all his movies (Yes, including Ram Jaane and Maya Memsaab and Guddu). The reason I adore him is far beyond what he portrays on screen and appears to be as an actor. For a Delhi boy with no Godfathers in the industry, it was almost an impossible task to make it big in the films but he has done it because he is extraordinary and he was born to do this. (Just like Sachin Tendulkar was born to play cricket & Kobe Bryant was born to play basketball).
I watched My Name Is Khan recently and obviously, I loved the film. I agree It didn't have a great script like the recent favourite, 3 idiots but SRK works magic in all his films and thats the reason he has fans like me. I think he's already answered his critics with his spectacular performance in Chak De India and now playing an autistic person suffering from Asperger's Syndrome in MNIK, I can say, He has answered them well!
People have this thing for comparison you know. They compare him to Big B and Amir Khan and Salman Khan and the infamous comparison with Hrithik Roshan in 2000 when Kaho Na Pyaar Hai was released is something which all of us will remember. The thing is, these people are all good actors! Why should we compare them? Is it some sort of insecurity? There needs to be no need for this sort of co-relative discrimination!
I have shed buckets of tears watching him lose his lover in Devdas; I have howled and had puffy swollen eyes after watching him die in Kal Ho Na Ho; I have wished He'd get Kiiiiiran instead of Sunny Deol in Daar! There is something about SRK that makes me want to adore him and make sure that he achieves success in all his movies.
I cannot put it in one sentence and say why He deserves all of this. There is a reason why he is called the King and not everybody can reach the zeniths and stay there like him.
When you are born with a name like Shah Rukh (meaning: Noble Face or Royal Face) you know that you are sent from the Heavens to rule people's hearts. I guess it's his eyes, or perhaps his radiating personality or may be its everything about him that makes me and millions of his fans adore him.
Inshal-allah! May success kiss his feet like it always has and may he live a thousand years!
Yes, his name is KHAN and believe me, that's one name you will never forget!

Saturday Night

2010-02-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

I think "Weekend" is over-rated. Everybody is always asking, "What's your sat night plan?" I mean Is it necessary to have plans on a Saturday??? We could just stay at home and not do anything...absolutely nothing! I've spent some Saturday nights like that, just procrastinating passively, with only finger movements as I change the channels on the remote. So last night (obviously which was a Saturday), my accomplice sent me a text message, asking me what my plan for Saturday night was. I sent her a boring reply and then she called me and invited me to this friend's house party. Waking up from the inertia I made my way to the shower and then
Dress 1??? nahhhh....too short!
Dress 2???? nahhhh...too floral!
Dress 3??? nahhhh...too loud!
Dress 4???...may be...
Dress 5??? Yup ok....wait, i'll go with Dress 1 I think....or no, may be Dress 4 is okay. Alright, Alright, Dress 2 It is!

There were about 30 plus people and I didn't know anyone except one person! However after a couple of glasses, I'd begun socializing. Then I didn't even realize how time passed by. The photo sessions, the dance, the fresh-air moment in the balcony after every half and hour, the re-filling of the fluid, the visit to the W/C...somebody passing out, somebody talking on the phone, somebody lost in oblivion, most people having a good time. It was a typical House-Party scene.
I made friends with this guy....I think he's a woman trapped in a man's soul( If you know what I mean) and He was just way too funny or I was kind of drunk and found everything around funny. He even invited me to his house the next weekend. I think he was very sweet.
I danced with few people who kept turning me round several times and I didn't even feel dizzy! Somehow I could recall the lyrics to the songs that were playing and lip synced happily.
Someone had passed out on the bed and he woke up as I sat down and he smiled and touched my face like I was the girl he was dreaming about and I had jumped out of his dream! His sister, who was around was more embarrassed than him and she apologized on his behalf.
We left after a while but my accomplice and I did not head home. Instead we met up with our others friends and went to one of their houses. Sat there for a while, smoking the herbal stuff and laughing at another friend who had changed into his jammies and looked like Ebenzer Scrooge with his topi. I think he would have got offended If we'd all been sober but instead he laughed along.
Dawn was breaking and suddenly I felt cold and exhausted, then, I realized I was done for the day/night and headed home.
Jumped into bed and fell asleep like as if I had been drugged.

Sunday Morning: No hangover, just a little parched in the throat so have been drinking lots of water. In another couple of hours, I am heading out to meet up with my best friends from school for lunch! I've been having vivid recollections from last night and breaking into wry smiles, all by myself. I think I look deranged now.
I guess there is a reason why Weekends are over-rated and It should be that way. The Holy Book just says, "On the seventh day God rested" It conveniently leaves out the part what God did on Saturday Night and why he needed the rest the following day. (Co'mon ...creating the world wasn't all that arduous task for the big guy!).
So that was what happened last night, a Saturday Night and for all the people who sent me text messages saying, "Wassup???" Well My friends this was up!

Starless Nights

2010-02-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

You & I,
Caught constantly in the web of Confusion,
Love led us both astray.
The nights we stayed awake, with
No stars to shine on us,
The dark night soaring above
All we had was our mortal Love:
Yet we grew, we Loved, we flew.

So on starless nights,
I think of You....
I dream of You...
I Love you

It's not like I want to forget you,
I have to....

The Death Of a Toadman

2010-01-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

Let me give away a little woman secret....Most women have a PEOPLE TO KILL list and this list usually features some of the top notch people from the lady's dramatic life. More often than not, the list begins with the Ex-Boyfriend. That hyphenated word does not include every man that you have been in the past. If he features on this list, It probably refers to that one asshole who screwed up your life in more than one way and never said sorry. [Note***In some cases, It features more than one asshole]

So yeah, I have this list and It has the names of some people whose death would bring me more joy than any man has ever felt. (Probably more joy than the first orgasm every experienced by any human). I am not going to talk about all the people who appear on my list but just this one douchebag who looks like a toad (which also suggests that If at all toads become an endangered species then, we have nothing to worry about because we will have TOADMAN to save the planet!)

This Toadman, I met him when I was 17 and he was 25. (My friend Angelo said, "Some people go to jail for that"); And then of course, time stood still and the flowers bloomed and the birds sang and then without any warning, a tsunami struck!I don't need to get into the details of how things were and how they changed. Most of you know what I am talking about.(Yes, Yes, his constant cheating and his lies and the violent fights) The thing is Its been four years since the catastrophe struck and I was doing well and good cos I hadn't seen or heard from him or about him until this morning.....

I was bored to death and was browsing facebook so I was going through a common friend's photos and there I saw the Toadman...Older, Uglier, Deformed, Almost Frightening...totally grotesque you know! (I am afraid to sleep now, lest I have nightmares about the Toadman). The thing is when I saw him, my heart started beating faster, my breath ran short and like my friend, Tamdin said, I felt like this current flowing through my body making me feel "chui chui".
I hate him
I hate him
I hate him
I hate him......

The hurt, the pain, the agony all came back like this huge wave and hit me so hard! Then, I thought, I have to kill him. Now obviously, I cannot kill him for real so I thought I'd kill him fictitiously. Imagine:

The Toadman, helpless and ugly lies crouched and tied in a dark corner (after being drugged and beaten up worse than The Rock beat up HHH in Wrestlemania 2002). The Toadman regains consciousness and Wonder Woman throws him a hard punch straight on the face as blood spills all over and he whines like a feeble animal when caught in a hunter's trap. Then Wonder Woman takes a clipper and slowly pulls his nails right off his fingers. More blood....More crying and an evil laughter echoes in that dark corner. She takes a sharp blade and begins to make small cuts all over his body, not deep cuts though, those small but acute cuts that prick like hell. He pleads and begs Wonder Woman to stop but Wonder Woman has waited for this all her life and she looks into his shallow eyes and taking a fork, digs right into his eyes and pulls it out of the socket. The nerves and veins tingle like ramen when picked up with a chopstick from a bowl.
He cries!
She laughs!
Red Nile keeps flowing like a river. She takes a hammer and some nails and slowly beings hammering them into his knees and elbows. Then, taking a sledgehammer she puts in all her strength and crushes his testicles. His howls fill the room but It doesn't surpass the walls because Her anger and vengeful desire has them well covered. She takes a machete and slowly cuts his heart open. Just as she is about to pull it out, she stops.
"Please don't kill me," he begs, barely able to speak.
She looks at him, grabs his hair and as a heinous smile spreads on her lips, she says, "Your wish is my command"
And as he lies there, half dead, alone, dissected, slaughtered with only a whiff of air left to breathe, he mutters, "I am sorry......"
Too late....Wonder Woman has disappeared into the shadows, never to be seen again!

So yeah, this list that I have, features others as well but you know what? This particular bastard is going to die a thousand deaths so until next time, let's leave that mofo dying in the corner. Watch out for my next post ;)

3 Idiots

2010-01-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know if many of you all have been in a situation that I am about to describe! It's not the worse of situations but yes, It is definitely an awkward one; One that involves the family & the boyfriend. (ex boyfriend??? I don't know; we're still working things out. Basically it's complicated...whatever!) So what was I telling you? Oh yeah....the awkward situation....

So, my mother is in town. She's here for her month long official work and she's putting up with me. My elder brother is a part of her official tour and he's been here as well. (That sly fox had this planned cos his girlfriend is here in the city as well; And he had his personal pleasures all layered with : "Mum I am gonna come with you to Delhi; I'll take you around and be there whenever and whatever you need me for"). I can't believe my mother actually bought that story! So yeah, we were all out the other day. My brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend(who posed as my brother's friend cos my parents don't know that I have a boyfriend and I prefer to keep them away from this relevant truth) and me.

We shopped at the mall and my mother expressed her desire to watch 3 Idiots; My brother got the tickets done and just as we were about to enter, my boyfriend pulled me aside and said, "Avvan...your brother got separate seats for his girlfriend and himself" and before I could react, I found myself sitting in the dark theatre with my mother in between my boyfriend and me!

My mother is a pretty loud character and when she laughs, she makes sure the world hears it; She began with her loud laughter and constant slapping on our (my boyfriend and my) hands and while I could see my brother and his girlfriend holding hands and sitting in a row ahead of us, my boyfriend and me exchanged looks in the dark, understanding exactly what we were going through without having to speak out loud.*** NOTE: In the several years of our relationship, this was probably the best communication we've ever had!

The entire experience wasn't life defining! I mean it wasn't all that painful or alarming but I sure wasn't comfortable sitting there; All I knew was that everybody stared at the screen, totally oblivious of how silly and idiotic my boyfriend and I were feeling; And If people really wanted to see the 3 Idiots....we were right there! Row L, Seats 8,9,10!

All I want 4 X-mas is....?????

2009-12-24T07:33:00.000-08:00

X-mas is a merry season to be Merry??? Happy??? yes, and do something good. Also, nobody likes being alone on X-mas....neither do I; But Its X-mas eve and here I am, all by myself in my apartment. A couple of hours ago, I was at my ex boyfriend's house. Well I went there yesterday when I was all alone (again) and totally brain fucked. So I went there and his friend, Kundol was there as well so I had company and all went well....(well = normal); When I woke up, I found out that my ex boyfriend had a movie date with a chick that he called his "friend". Nice! Well, to be honest, I wasn't jealous. I mean really...we're not even together anymore you know and It's just a movie (James Cameron's AVATAR btw, which I haven't watched yet and have been dying to!). So my ex boyfriend and me had our talk:

"I am here...thinking may be things will work out again, " I said, "But If you have something going on with her and feel like it's gonna proceed into something, then you should let me know."
"She's just a friend," He said, "And I am not looking for a relationship with her or with anyone or even with you; And this is not even a date!!!"
Silence.....
"Look," he started again,"I like being single and I like what I am doing right now so I don't wanna be forced into a relationship with you."
"Is it possible for two people to stay in love forever," Ellen Page's voice kept echoing in my head. (The tv was on and they were showing JUNO on star movies)
Before he left, he sat down beside me and said, "Avvan...I'll be back after the movie and I'll come home to you and we can watch some Korean series together, okay?"
I nodded..."Okay"
****NOTE:[ I'd secretly read all the text messages exchanged between him and the movie chick while he had been sleeping earlier and it definitely looked like a date and It was super clear that they were flirting]
He left
Ten minutes after that, I got up....packed my stuff.
Kundol who was a mere spectator until then finally spoke, "Where are you going?"
"Home," I answered.
"Why? Stay...He'll be back in a while."
"It's ok, I have to go...."
"Why?"
"I don't know...."

On my way back home, I thought, He's already sorted out his life and planned things for himself you know. What was I doing at his place anyway? His plan didn't include me and can u imagine me waiting there, while he was on a date with another woman? That's why I came home....It was X-mas and It was time to do at least one good deed which was not selfish! I wanted to be selfless....
So here I am....alone, on X-mas eve and I am thinking....Is something gonna happen now? Now that I've done the good deed...Is something gonna change? Then I realize....I am not being selfless....Instead I am being selfish; doing this supposed "Good deed", hoping that something good will happen to me!
You know...I wish I was a good person by default. I am not....I try to be, some times...It just doesn't work out for me and I wish I could say I was different from the rest; But the truth is, I am just like everyone of you....selfish, spoilt and very very ordinary!
This X-mas sucks!!!! None-the-less
Merry X-mas & Happy Holidays
PS: I lost my phone a couple of days ago...So yup, Loneliness knows me by my name! Merry X-mas again!

We are Like This Only

2009-12-16T23:37:00.000-08:00

Life does work in strange ways, making us realize some harsh truths or otherwise allowing us to elude and evade the reality and sink deeper into illusion. Some time ago, I was watching tv, as I lay on my couch, desperately trying to recall "The Act of Contrition" that we recited during the night prayer in the boarding school that I went to. (for a decade)
WHY?
Cause It's been eating me up lately! I mean I am the kind of person that remembers everything and anything and whenever any one of my friends need a recall or have a flashback from back in the days, I am right there with my facts and details! Yes, that's me and therefore when I am not able to recall some of the things (and this has been happening a lot, lately!) I begin to get restless and fidgety and agitated; And I wonder why am I not able to remember......
Beep~* (My cell rings. It's a text message from my friend, Rozila, who's preparing for her UPSC exams)
"Hey, I am in my Bio class right now and I just learnt that too much of alcohol causes loss of memory and hindrance in the movement of eye balls"
It almost killed me! I mean of course I know that alcohol does a lot of shitty stuff to you; I mean isn't that one of the reasons why most people drown themselves in the toxic fluid? I, didn't know it caused loss of memory and 'Hindrance to the movement of eye balls' which, by the way, sounds scarily spastic!

See, it's not like I am going to quit alcohol. I enjoy drinking you know. It's fun and Delhi gets very cold during the winter so I need something to keep myself warm! (I don't believe in wearing FUR).
So well, I am in fix here. I am not going to fool myself saying,
"Fine! fine! I am not drinking from tomorrow or Tonight, I am drinking only one glass and that's it!"
That sort of thing never happens! Somehow you're sitting there with friends and you know that you've spoken the above line(s) but It doesn't work out that way. All you know is that after a couple of hours, 'With a little help from your friends' you have actually succeeded in providing some sort of answer to the famous dilemma of whether the glass if half-full or half-empty and before breaking into a hyena like laughter, you stand up unstably and almost scream,
"Where is the fucking glass?"
So my dear friends, all I can say, on behalf of my alcoholic friends and me is, We are Like This Only!

Cheers~*

Nothing Like YOU & I

2009-12-07T00:43:00.000-08:00

The reason I love watching movies and listening to music other than the fact that they have good script/cast/ great lyrics/beat etc is the fact that there are so many movies that are exactly like the way my life is! There are about a million songs that are relevant for the million situations that I find myself in. Hence the relevance and the proximity of the series of unfortunate/fortunate events in my life make me like a particular movie or a song way more than I have the right to! I watched a movie called London, starring Jessica Biel and Chris Evans with Jason Statham in a supporting role and yes, the movie was Me! It was my life, HIS life and OUR life together....while we lasted and right before we parted our ways and I said,
"I'll see you again....." knowing the harsh uncertainty of ever seeing HIM again and a quick flash of the inevitable changes that would occur in both our lives.....The severe and sharp truth that Things wouldn't be the same....IF and WHEN we'd meet next.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but when you're watching a movie that throws REALITY on your face with such accuracy; And you think It's not going to get more real than this....slowly you hear a familiar song fading in! The same exact song that You and He used to listen to! That's something beyond Real....It's SUICIDAL!

London has this track by The Perishers called "Nothing like You and I" and yes, It used to be OUR song! Every time I listen to the song, I get a slideshow in my head about all the moments that have passed me by and the slideshow does not have a STOP or FF button but it has a PAUSE button which turns on by default and those piercing moments just freeze there, filling you with so much of pain that I cannot even describe or explain.....
It leaves me like how It is leaving me right now....battered and bruised; crushed and cut; aching and agonized, tearing me up completely, only to revive and wake up to the same unhappy feeling over and over and over again.....

"We spent some time together crying,
Spent some time just trying
to let each other go
I held your hand so very tightly
And told you what I would be dreaming of
There's nothing like YOU & I.....
Why do I even try?...."
THE PERISHERS

Untitled VI

2009-12-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

Another morning, I lay awake,
On your side of bed,
Visions I create, Memories I remake.
I curse the dawn that's breaking.
Under the blanket,
My stupid heart aching!
A book on the table beside,
"The Catcher in the Rye"
I flip the pages, I think of You;
I sigh!
I reach out for a cigarette,
It fills my lungs, my heart,
I reminisce the last time we met.

The moments linger,
You linger,
I linger.....
Pictures of you, like leaves are piled in a heap,
I don't know when I fall asleep.

Another morning I lay awake.......

Diamonds R 4eva~* So R My GIRLS~*

2009-11-30T14:40:00.000-08:00

A Night to be Forgotten!

2009-11-29T19:52:00.000-08:00

Okay...How many of us have woken up with partial amnesia, trying to recollect what happened the previous night after consuming litres and litres of alcohol?
Well, I know there are quite a few of us out there and yes,..."Saturday Night!"....those two words speak so much and often say everything.
So yeah, last Saturday I went out with my friend for this Pre-Wedding party and of course, I drank, I danced and drank and drank some more and drank sooooo much....Then I forgot everything! Yes, totally blank! No recollection what-so-ever!
It's Monday morning and after spending hours, trying to recollect, one of the people I met at the party (and who added me on facebook) now tells me that:

I got drunk
I fell down
I danced with everyone
I got more drunk
I left my friend at the party
I went home with two sweet girls
I talked rubbish
I gave a peck to this guy who was really friendly
I got home, pissed drunk. (those two sweet girls dropped me home)
I.........(have no clue what else I must have done!)

I wonder what everyone around must of thought of me??? Of course, I am so embarrassed of the things that I did and can only imagine what shit I must have talked, considering there were some really high profiled people at the party. I think I am the ugliest person right now and I don't wanna say I am gonna quit drinking and all. The point is, I like drinking but I would definitely not want to repeat this kind of act again.

...And God said, "Let there be Picasa..."

2009-11-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

!@#$%^

2009-11-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wanted something sooooooooooooooo bad that You've cried yourself to sleep?

Do I even need to say anything more?

SIGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's Happening???

2009-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

I am 23 years old you know...Life started out pretty early for me; In the sense, a lot of things happened way too early. May be it's because I set out to the city at the age of 16 when most of my friends were just finishing high school and I was at a Pre-University, mixed with the college-going crowd. I met and hung out with people who were way elder to me and therefore, I went to places that I wasn't even allowed to and you know...all those explicit stuff!

Likewise, Love happened way too early and unfortunately, It wasn't happy. That's another story though and one which has had it's re-run more than I wanted it to! The thing is , I am not looking for Love...I mean yes, I want to be Loved but then, I don't know who's going to give that Love to me and I don't even have enough reasons to believe that I need to reciprocate that Love. Right now, my love-life is very complicated. The guy is great, he is...just that it's been a while and I guess our relationship has stopped growing. He is definitely not to be blamed; It could be me, you know....I am always so messed up in the head and I strictly follow Marquez's theme: "...And nothing in this World was more difficult than Love...."

I guess Zooey Deschanel said it right in the movie, 500 Days of Summer when asked, "What happend?"
She answers in an almost morbid tone, "What always happens....Life!"

So yeah, that's exactly what's happening right now....Life!

Untitled V

2009-11-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

"Do YOU remember all our Love?
Did YOU get back from what YOU gave?
I see some symptoms of, a past
that YOU forgave...
YOU NEVER WERE EXPENDABLE,
YOU always made me feel alive...
Now, we're in the middle of...
Transition in our Lives...."

For The Movies
Buckcherry

Untitled IV

2009-11-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

Have you felt so sick about yourself that You'd wish you were dead?
As I am writing this line, I can hear voices in my head that's like a reflex response;
And it goes,
"No, Avvan...You're not a bad person so stop feeling that way about yourself!"
You know what?
Screw you!!!!!
I HATE ME!
I HATE ME!
I HATE ME!

The Love of My Life.....For now!

2009-11-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

Okay...This thing has happened to me soooooooo many times! I mean I see a pretty face on television or not necessarily a pretty face but If I like a character so much, I tend to fall in love with him and thats exactly what happened today.

I watched 2012 and even though the movie is all about bad Computer Graphic Images and special effects and the script is pretty much like a Bollywood movie...Meaning, no matter what catastrophe strikes, the hero survives it all. The strange thing was, I wasn't sitting there grumbling at the lousy script but I wanted John Cusack (The leading actor) to survive all the ordeals and live because I found myself falling in Love with him!

I know....I know...there are about a thousand movies where John Cusack has been portrayed as Romantic Hero (eg: Serendipity) but somehow, I didn't find him all that appealing as I did, Today.

Ahhhhhh....John Cusack....this panache, intelligent, great guy who looks like he could be the perfect husband (HAHAHAHHA....See, I am even thinking "Marriage" now). I really cannot explain what is this cryptic force that is driving me to Love John Cusack but It's there....

***Note: Someday I am going to write about my strange but deep love for

1. Shia LeBeouf

2. Shahid Kapur

3. Edward Norton

4. ......

5 .....

6. .......

The Helpless & The Hopeless

2009-11-16T19:09:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I read Mr. Calden Basi's blog, a post titled, The Observer in which he narrated an incident about unable to help a woman who was possibly in a feeble situation...not because he did not want to but because he wasn't sure what to do...therefore he was just an "Observer" like most of us who see a similar situation, feel the same and even do the same...Just pass them by.

I've had plenty of those situations where It kills me to see somebody suffering and then unable to do anything helpful, I let them pass by.
This one time....I was in the auto and I saw a marriage procession going on where the groom was on a horseback while a band played the instruments and people danced along. It was a merry sight until I saw a boy of about 15-16 years old, dressed in his Red & White band uniform, playing the cymbals and he had the most painful, dejected and forlorn expression pasted on his face like as If he'd been born that way. I imagined poverty and suffering in his life; I imagined his pain-driven compulsion to work at such young age. That's what I did....I just imagined and let it pass by, not knowing what to do.

So many other instances have occurred and all I have done is played the perfect part of an Observer. What's even worse? After a while, I even tend to forget about these; And when some times, I recall them...like today, It makes me feel so shallow, so superficial and so sick!

You know, may be these Helpless people are blessed in some way that people like you and me are not aware of or may be they have a different advantage. God is a good guy. He probably gave them something else in place of wealth and luxury.
Well, the truth is there are thousands of these Helpless people out there but an even more atrocious truth is that there are millions of us...We, The Hopeless!

500 Days Of Summer

2009-11-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

I watched 500 Days of Summer today and fell in Love with Joseph Gordan-Levitt

Untitled III

2009-11-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

It's was just the two of us....
Boredom & Me.
Bad Luck joined us;
The cable connection went off,
Three's definitely not a company!
I can hear my cigarette burning,
It's as quiet as It can be.
Now, there's a fourth company,
Loneliness.....

Crows - Zero

2009-11-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

In the notorious and infamous school of Sazuran, a fist speaks for a man. It is by fighting and forming gangs that these boys gain respect and authority and even friendship. Every gang has a leader and the dream of every boy at the school is to conquer Sazuran, meaning to defeat all the leaders of the existing gangs and to become "The One" to lead the school as one unified gang.

Genji, a son of a Yakuza, joins Sazuran to carry on the goal of his father (who also went to Sazuran) and to conquer the school. However, that is not an easy thing to do because Genji is a One-Man-Army and no matter how good his fighting skills are, he is outnumbered. Therefore, the first thing that he needs to do is form comrades. Genji manages to get Chuta and his gang by defeating Chuta in a fight and he manages to get Makise and gang with his straight forward attitude and friendship and Izaki and gang by proving that he is not just a punk but he real fighter.Therefore forming his own gang called the GPS. (Genji's Perfect Seiha)

Another obstacle that lies in Genji's path is Serizawa, who is the most powerful leader in school and has earned the title the "King of beasts". At first Serizawa does not bother much about Genji as Genji is a new to the school. However Genji rises rapidly and this worries Serizawa so they decide to have a fight.

In the mean time Genji gets acquainted with a man named Ken Katagiri who is a medicore Yakuza and also an ex student of Sazuran. Genji and Ken's friendship grow as Ken teaches him how to gather an army while Genji reminds Ken of his youth and everything else that Ken could have been, had he had the right attitude like Genji.

Ken gets in trouble when his boss assigns him to kill Genji because Genji is the son of the rival Yakuza, Hideo Takiya. Ken is unable to carry out the orders and instead warns Takiya and goes back to his own boss to face the punishment. His boss kills Ken in front of the men but later we see that it was only staged and Ken actually does not die

On the other hand, Tokia, Serizawa's best friend and Genji's childhood friend falls ill due to some cerebral complication and needs to undergo a surgery the very day when Serizawa'a army is to fight Genji's.

The day of the fight is dramatic with the rain and the cinematography is exceptionally good. The fact that the movie is based on a manga comic by Hiroshi Takahashi called, Crows is evident right from the costume of the characters and the almost too-gangster-to-be-true ambience. The movie is directed by Takashi Miike and stars Shun Oguri as Genji and Takayuki Yamada as Serizawa.

Watch the movie for the gorgeous and Just-jumped-out-of-anime Boys (for the girls) and boys should watch the movie not only because of a good storyline but because the theme deals with friendship and unification, with lots of blood and gore fighting scenes that leave you in such awe.

The movie ends with Genji winning the fight and Serizawa accepting his defeat like an honourable man. However, Genji still needs to defeat Rinda-man, a passive student who does not involve himself in any fights and does not belong to any gang but who is so powerful that he has never been defeated.

It ends abruptly as Genji and Rinda-man just get into a fight, denoting that there will be a sequel to the movie. The movie was released in Japan in October, 2007 and in the U.S.A and other parts of the world in March 2009.

Happy Birthday DAD

2009-11-07T03:38:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Dad,
I love you very much.

The Sound of YOUR Voice

2009-10-31T04:07:00.000-07:00

I don't remember what It was all about...

But I know It was over the phone.

May be It was "Sweet Nothings"

May be It was so much more.

It was a Dream though,

But It felt so real

Like as If YOU were still here...

"I miss the sound of YOUR voice"

Tiny Dancer

2009-10-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time (BTW this is not a fairy-tale), Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" was dedicated to me by YOU. I hadn't heard the song prior to that so therefore when devotion was displayed to me, I wasted no more time and googled it. (Praise be the search engine!). The song had been written by Bernie Taupin for this woman who was in a band and whom he was going to marry.

And It was one of the sweetest things that YOU had done for me. How I listened to the song every day...every hour...every minute. It said, "Pretty eyed, pirate smile..." I felt flattered and exalted. That was a long time ago.

This morning, I was listening to the songs on my player and a familiar tune flowed; a familiar voice; a familiar feeling....It sang, "Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer..." It abducted me to a different time. That is what the song does to me....It takes me away, perhaps a step closer to where YOU are, or perhaps a step further away from YOU; I don't know. All I know is that every time I hear it, It changes me...

PS. I never thanked you for it. Thank YOU. and BTW, Bernie Taupin and the woman he wrote this song for are now divorced!!!

Tell Her This

2009-10-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

This one is for you....

"Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared thats all
Tell her Ill be by her side, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time."
Del Amitri

BANGALORED

2009-10-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's a pretty recent word that has been added to the dictionary. Bangalored (It actually means when somebody in the West loses a job cos the work gets outsourced to Bangalore or any other city in India) My blog isn't exactly about being Bangalored in that corporate and IT sense; It is pretty much about being Bangalored in the common man's way.

See, I have lived in Bangalore for six and a half years. (2003- mid 2009). I live in Delhi now. Well, I went to study there. Completed my pre-university and my under grads from the city. The initial plan after school was to go to Delhi and study but for some silly reason I chose Bangalore.

This is Brigade Road. I cannot even count the number of times I have been to this part of the city! In the early days, I used to be there all the time. I had way higher attendance in the Barista cafe than my college! Let's not even talk about the number of pubs and fast food joints and the

clubs. (Fusion Lounge, Taika etc) Oh, I have done absolutely that there was to d

o in Brigade road and visited every possible corner.

Then there is The Forum Mall. It came up in late 2003 and it was the talk of the town. No big malls like the Forum had ever been constructed in the city before and the crowd flocked in daily to catch a glimpse of the majestic mall and perhaps find answers to rhetoric questions about urbanisation and the hub that the city was creating. After Forum, a lot of other malls came up. However, it remains one of the most visited malls in the city because it was the first and it was One of a kind!

My Friends in Bangalore...They were the reason why those six and a half years were a blessing. Every parties that we went to were the best; Every shopping we did was memorable; Every occasions spent together was joyous; Every cute boy that we saw was a blessing; Every idle moment we spent, we probably had inherent thoughts in our heads; And then, Bangalore was just Bangalore. I was just living in a city with my friends and doing what any ordinary twenty-year-old does....or at least, that is what I thought until I visited Bangalore last week

The auto-walas are the most horrible people in the city. (There are exceptions, of course) They not only charge you extra but are so ill mannered and beastly in their tone and if you just ask them to take a left turn, or a right turn or U- turn or any turn at all! They begin to grumble. They ask for more cash. Sometimes they can be diabolically evil as well! They tell you that the auto cannot enter that particular lane or that they simply don't want you to get in the auto or even cos I don't look like a Kannadiga, He is going to charge me extra! Yes, I am NOT exaggerating. etc. Believe me, the auto walas there make Delhi auto walas appear like Gentlemen.

So, Like I said in the beginning...My initial plan was to go to Delhi. So, in a way I guess all those parties and studies and shoppings and the auto rides were supposed to take place in Delhi but then It got Outsourced to Bangalore. Lucky for me, with all the opportunities, I got Outsourced as well. So therefore, I have been Bangalored and I guess after all this, You can take me out of Bangalore but you cannot take Bangalore out of me! ;)

Untitled II

2009-10-15T17:56:00.001-07:00

I haven't created any world record by sitting in front of the desktop the entire night and chatting with my friends online (who are in the US with no sleep disorder, unlike me, who seems to be living in the wrong side of the planet). This is my usual thing.

Well, last night was no different. I logged in and then, most of you know how the process is. So yeah, we were engrossed in a conversation. Then, I had the "MOMENT". No, I wasn't awestruck at technology for minimizing the distance between my pals and me. People have written enough about those sorta things. I was amazed at us...we friends, separated by oceans and an entire time zone manage to talk about everything possible under the sun followed by lots of LOLs and BRBs without feeling the major distance between us at all!

It's actually incredibly strange that you can sit the entire night feeling the presence of your friends and laughing and making faces at the screen. (Trust me, If someone actually recorded my expressions while chatting, I would appear pretty retarded). I am pretty sure I couldn't spend a night by myself but the moment I am in front of the screen, It's like as if my friends are right there! That is the power of technology and all that but more than anything, it is our dedication and addiction towards each other that we don't want to...but we need to converse.

For this fascinatingly devoted obsession, we definitely need to make an entry at the record books

The Abundant and The Deprived

2009-09-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

As I walked through Kailash Hills, in South Delhi at somewhere between 7 and 7:30pm, I saw a Mother Dairy ice cream kiosk. It had been a humid day and I thought a cool bar of chocobar would be of some help, so I stopped at the kiosk. Next to it, right under the street light, sat a boy of about 8-9 years, with his book open, studying!!!

The moment was almost theatrical.
It was Painful,
It was Piercing,
It was Poignant.

After inquiring, I found out he was the son of the ice cream seller and he accompanied his father every night and when he had the time, he studied.
I bought a chocobar for myself and one for him...He was reluctant to take it but eventually accepted it with gratitude. I told him to study well. He smiled.
I, the Abundant, walked away, with some pessimistic and burdensome thoughts.
He, the Deprived, sat there, licking the ice cream, carefree.

In this country, symbols and images for poverty and suffering lie in abundance. Some travel miles and make Oscar winning movies on it; Some brush them away; Some are moved; Some are irritated;Some throw a penny or two.

Is this just the way Life is or Is this what "Man has made of Man?"

It's Been A While

2009-09-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a while...
Are You frowning?
Are Your mornings colder than the nights?
Are You hurt?
When you close your eyes...
Do You see me?
Do You remember our Love?
Do You Laugh?

It's been a while...
Your memories are erasing,
Your words are failing,
Your songs are fading.

It's been a while...

Men...Men...Men

2009-09-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

A Woman...is never complete without a Man. I say this because in the last several years of my existence, there have been many men, who have contributed consciously and some times sub-consciously and even unconsciously in keeping this five feet, twenty-something year old intact! So, here's to all you men, for the good times...for the bad times...for the funny times...for all the times!

MAN # 01: The Boyfriend
The Boyfriend is the first man that you think about whenever anything crucial happens or nothing crucial happens. Basically, he is the one person who is always on your mind (or at the back of my mind). The Boyfriend is who you share everything with. Your desires, your wants, your love, your anger as well as your hate. This man is the one that you like waking up next to everyday and he is the one who with just one smile can change everything in your life. An outing is never complete without this man. The movies, the shopping, the dates or even just a walk in the park...It's delightful to have a man who will buy you pop-corns, hold your shopping bags (some times your purse), wine and dine with you and put a protective arm around you when other men pass by. Fights are never complete without Man#01. It is this very man who some times makes u realise your mistakes or make you feel that you were right all along! God bless 'The Boyfriend.'

MAN #02: The Friend(s)
There are quite a few who fall into this category. Those that are just one call away whenever a catastrophe strikes! (Eg: You realise you have no shopping partner or movie partner or drinking partner...call Man #02). or another Eg: (You're in town and suddenly it started raining heavily and you haven't carried your umbrella, call Man #02. He will either drop you home in his car or get an umbrella for you. )The best part about this man is that you have such a deep bond with him that you never make him feel like he is option number 2! A small friendly gesture from Man #02 is what will cheer you up when you are having a bad day. A sweet text message from him will make you feel so much more beautiful that the bitch that your ex is dating. This man may be millions of miles away and seven oceans apart but he will call you just so that you wake up on time and don't run late for your class or drive like James Bond when you are running late for a movie and help you get there on time or send you flowers because he just wants to remind you that you have a friend in him. He will never forget your birthday or your favourite colour. You tend to forget your boyfriend's number but you know Man #02's number by heart. He is the one who will give you his last cigarette because your butt looks fat in the dress and somebody said that Smoking helps you lose weight in that region! He is the friend that Life blessed you with and even when you take him for granted, he just smiles and lets you. God bless these men as well.
***In some RARE cases, Man#02 is capable of replacing Man #01

MAN #03: The Rebound
This is the guy that you were screamingly attracted to when your relationship was on the rocks with Man #01 and you selfishly lead him on to believe that he could replace the former but ended up realising the bitter truth and hurt him real bad( or at least accepted the accusation that he threw at you). Man #03 will always be remembered for his unconditional concern, his insecurity, his humor and worst of all, his jilted amour. You know It's Man #03 when everything he does begins to irritate or annoy you. The initial attraction disappears in a month or two and then, you begin to think of him as clingy, love-sick or desperate! Deep inside you know he is a nice guy but then you realize that the only reason you actually started anything with him was because you had nothing else to do! You were bored and then he came along! That's the truth. You will try to make him understand and talk logic about why you and him are not meant to be together but it will obviously end in a some-what bitter tone. You can never make him believe that you don't sympathize or feel pity for him because the truth is, you do!

MAN #04: The Hero
This Man knows it all. Ask him how many islands make up the country of Japan or ask him to fix your PC...He'll do it! You'll always be in awe of this man because not only does he know the answer to everything but also because he is so humble that he will never allow you to feel inferior or small. Trust me, there are no romantic inclinations towards Man #04...pure adoration. He is someone who is always willing to listen and help you when you need him. He is the intellectual types with a cool attitude. Ladies, please don't mistake a bore, awkward, slow guy as the HERO. The Hero is one particular trait: He doesn't try too hard. He speaks good English, may have interest in photography, movies and books and the virtue called patience lies in abundance in him. Also another thing about Man #04 is that his humor is beyond hilarious. He's also the funny guy who can make you laugh with the most serious face! He is the guy always ready to help you with your assignments and projects. You don't really care what others think of the relationship between him and you, in your heart, you know you adore the man and respect him!

Man #05: The What-If Man
He could be either your Childhood sweetheart or your High school sweetheart or any man that you started something with but never even reached the first base! He is the man that you once thought you had something going on with or believed so but Life never gave you two a chance. He is the one whose face appears in your head when you watch a movie with themes and motifs where "Girl-likes-boy;Boy-does not realise-Boy realises later;Boy likes girl-Girl has moved on" (Quoting my friend Tegha here). He is the guy that you may still be friends with but then you know that you do have something in your heart that wants to explore and see if there is anything beyond the so-called-friendship! It's not like you miss him or think about him all the time but once in a while, his face does occur like a vivid but a short image in your head. This man and you will settle with Friendship knowing that If only the time was right...may be things would be different or may be it was for the best that time was never right. He will keep you wondering.

Man#06: The Ex (The Heartbreaker)
He is the villain in your story. He is the one who took advantage of you when you were young and naive. I really don't want to say much about Man #06 except that he should burn in hell. Period!

Man #07: The What-was-I-thinking-Man
This man could be an ex-lover or someone you had a romantic inclination and episodes with but then with due course of time, you realized he's a douche-bag for so many reasons. He's the man that you are embarrassed to admit about. Normally, this guy is the lucky bastard that you shared your first kiss with or in some unfortunate cases, you lost your virginity to! He is the man who comes to your head for no apparent reason and ruins that perfect smile on your face! You will deny that you ever had anything to do with him, when questioned by not-so-close friends and people you've just met! You will give him the royal ignore if you happen to see him in the streets or you will pretend to have acute amnesia when someone mentions his name! You could kill yourself for having dated or been with this man. Simply, he is that one man who will make you question over and over again "What was I thinking?" and you will never find an answer that will satisfy you!

Cheers to all these Men...except to Man #06. (You suck asshole...and that too real bad! wink ;) )

My Identity

2009-08-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

After years of blaming others,
After hours of contemplation,
After numerous drinking sessions,
After several moments of realisation,
Nothing changes...
It's not that Iam in a mess
Iam THE MESS

Untitled

2009-06-22T04:20:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between Hatred, Lies Love,
Somewhere between Defeat, Lies Wisdom,
Somewhere between the Truth, Lies Deception
Somewhere between this Voidness, YOU exist...
Immortal and Irreplaceable

Photographs and Memories

2009-06-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

When I take a photograph of someone or something, all I think about it is, uploading it later on facebook. What I don't realize that moment is that Iam actually capturing time, freezing the moment so that I can go back through time whenever I want.

This very moment what I wish is I'd taken photographs of every little thing that you did, every little moment that we had. Iam wishing I had captured it all...not for facebook but for a time like today....when I don't have you in my life; When I know that Iam never going to be with you again.

Memories fade or sometimes they transform...That's even terrible. The events and chronology changes...confusing you, disrupting you, puzzling you...That is what Iam afraid of.

I have memories of you. I wish I had your photographs as well.

Home Sweet Home

2009-06-11T03:19:00.000-07:00

I had absolutely nothing to do this morning. So I took my dog, Yuki for a walk and as she and me strolled around the backyard, I actually looked at my house. A five-storeyed building with nine bedrooms, nine bathrooms, a kitchen, 2 halls, 2 living rooms etc etc etc...It hadn't actually hit me previously but i realised that I live in a pretty big house and the strange thing is that I'm rarely home! In fact, my parents are rarely home. They work elsewhere so they aren't usually around. My brothers were rarely home (They've been home for 2 years now...graduated fools???...unemployed). so yeah, like I was saying...It's a house way too big for people who rarely live in it and yet, I love this place.

Photographs hang on the walls...They tell you stories and transport you back in time. The walls whisper and the winds that blow are old friends who never left. The silence speaks with memories so warm that time stands still. So serene...so peaceful...so warm....I love my Home, Sweet Home

Everything I want

2009-05-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Life throws this opportunity at you;

And the world thinks that you have nothing to lose, only to gain.

You make the choice.

You wake up exhausted, knowing that you had everything to lose, nothing to gain

He said....She said...

2009-03-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

After 27 months of Love and War, He said some mean things. She said, she couldn't take it anymore. It was over.

After 7 months of separation and loneliness, He said He was sorry. She said, she was ready to try again.

After 6 months of trying, struggling and a little bit of loving, he packed his bags and left. "I cannot say when exactly...But I'll be back," He said. He kissed her, goodbye. She didn't say anything.

Over the phone, He said, "May be we didn't Love each other enough." She paused, then said, "May be you're right."

Then He said a lot of things. She said she was tired.

Before hanging up, He said, "Take care, may be should not talk to each other for a while."

She sighed, "May be we shouldn't."

He said nothing more. The line went dead.

With the dead tone ringing in her ears, "May you always be happy," She said.

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

2009-02-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

That's the name of the film I watched last week and at the moment, my fren, Hyishe is re-watching it. No, this is not one of those ground-breaking films nor is it a very popular hollywood film. It's a british film about a 14 year old girl with a pet cat called Angus, curiosity about thongs and her experience of the perfect snogging! Why am I writing about this film? No, Iam not writing about it. Iam actually writing about what this film did to me. So here's my story.

The film had charming, cute, bewitching, attractive, charismatic young blokes...some teenage lads and Hyishe and I both drooled over that lovable bunch and then....Yes, that ugly truth, hanging there by a weak thread, fell over us! We will never get such guys!!! Why is it that we don't bump into such panache, dashing guys, ever???

The movie left this delightful satisfaction of such enthralling vision juxtaposed with unpleasant discontent of grotesque reality. Another sigh...Another lesson forcefully learnt. No Angus, No thongs and Perfect Snogging??? Never!!!!

A Typically Ordinary, Unusual Man

2008-12-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

I was walking home after class the other day, with my friend, Anisha and as usual, talking about life's worst tragedies that befall on me.

"And you know, it's not fair at all," I complained.

"Hmmm..yeah," Anisha agreed.

Then, He caught my eye. He was this ordinary, old, gray man with a senile expression on his face. He was sitting on this bench and staring at nothing. I imagined, he was trying to recollect his youth, his happy days. The times when he was mighty and robust. He sighed...a defeated and vanquished sigh. I tried to look away but He had this controlling aura around me that made me look straight at him. He looked up at me and smlied. I smiled back, uncertain and awkward, as if I had been caught doing something that I shouldn't have been. Then, he looked away.

I walked ahead with Anisha who was oblivious to this entire Life-Defining moment that was taking place right in front of her! I turned around to look at him, He was smiling at everyone who was passing by. I understood it then.

To be defeated and crushed and yet, not have the option to surrender...what an atrocious struggle it must be! I walked on ahead.

His image, His truth and His story engraved in my head, like this immortal painting that you stare at the museum and feel everything but happy.

I'm Spoilt...

2008-10-01T05:10:00.000-07:00

So, then I hung up. . .the eleven minute conversation with my father over the phone turned out to be futile.
"What are you behaving like a child?" he had questioned.
A child??? A child would not want a tweed sweater and the most beautiful LBD from Mango! I answered, without speaking.
He then started with his usual gyaan about money management and how my poor or very very poor aptitude for managing money would land me in trouble in the future.
Then I hung up and stared at nothing around me.

The day seemed darker than the night and Happiness , eluded behind the ugliest cloud.

Then my phone rang again. A five minute conversation with the broker who was supposed to finish the pending business of the last house that I lived in and return my deposit, added more to my woe and irritation.

After some seconds of senseless argument with the self...I picked up my phone and threw it against the wall. It broke into pieces. I picked up those pieces and threw against the wall, a little harder this time. Then I ran into my room and burying my face on the pillow, I howled. . .

When I woke up, nothing had changed. I tossed in my bed, trying to derive the wisdom that the evening's incidents were supposed to bring into my life and I could not. I still felt empty and void and most of all, unhappy. I saw my cell phone lying in hundred pieces. It looked back at me, like a dying warrior on a battlefield and I had no feeling of remorse or regret.

I lay on my bed, sad, broken and spoilt. . .

The truth about Summer 08'

2008-06-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

I hadn't actually prepared a 'TO-DO-LIST' for the summer but the moment i got on the flight from Bangalore, I knew summer 08' was going to be exhilarating.Delhi's one of my favourite places on earth...not that I've been all over but from the ones that I have been to, Delhi makes it to the top 3!

Well then, my summer job at CNN-IBN was the main purpose of the visit, however the sun and the summer spirit doesn't allow you to stick to a routined, monotonous life...so summer crawled around and filled my life with sunshine, even at the darkest hour and Life seemed content.

The drinking sessions with a pack of cards and the meeting of strangers over a glass of wine, vodka etc and then, the aborning of friendships...it happened. it all happened...

The strange and the never-expected love for a pint of beer...Euro 2008...shopping sprees at Sarojini..meeting of old friends at Sikkim House...Clubbing with the once-upon-a-times' cute guy who you actually thought had not noticed you...the better understanding of the Hind language and the new learnt abuses and derogatory slurs.....Love and memories.....awwww....Summer 08'

The details would be appallingly frank if i wrote them down but summer was what it was meant to be...

I only wish I'd prepared a 'TO-DO-LIST'....

These Little Wonders

2008-06-27T03:02:00.000-07:00

There are times when you’ve paused from the daily chores and wondered… What if I had…? Some decisions that you might have, have not made. Some people that you might have loved, might not have. Some action that you might have taken, some that you might not have.

Perhaps, things that went half-way through and then you waited for another milestone to occur but you were left mid-way.

Thoughts that remained and fossilized in your head, thoughts that were never turned to words. You wish you had said it out or in the contrary, words that should have stayed thoughts.

The pending issues that never completed. The unfinished business that you never opened the file to. Life has given us all this and more; and may be this is what it is supposed to be.

May be, there was nothing more after the kiss or may be there was so much more before you turned around and walked away.

What if you’d said those words and made a difference or what if you hadn’t said out loud and changed the situation?

These are not the questions that Life throws irrefutably at you. These are the little wonders that Life gives you, perhaps, to know and to grow.

So, when you pause and think about the What ifs… Think about these little wonders. Learn to convert your regrets to acceptance. It’s not easy and as clichéd as it may sound, it’s not impossible either. It’s the truth and it’s these little wonders that make you smile and hum, make you laugh in the middle of a sermon when you’re mind is everywhere but the church.

These Little Wonders….they’ll set you free.

She talks to Angels

2008-06-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

I spend hours painting my toes and my nails and then I decide that the colors don't look all that great. I take a cotton and then wipe it off, decide on another color and then re-paint them.

I go to the malls with my girlfriends, we get into every possible store, try on the stuff that makes our heart skip a beat. We don't look at the price tags, get inside the trail-room, put it on, have the 'eternal' moment to ourselves, have my girlfriends compliment me and vice-versa and then take it off, take a look at the price tag, keep the dress back in the hanger and flash a sexy smile at the store guy and run out giggling.

I love going through the sea of dilemma while deciding on what to wear for a usual coffee break with friends or a date with the 'cute-guy' or go to the grocery store. I love wearing make up, ironing my hair, curling my hair, giving myself pedicures and manicures.

I love watching him as he goes around with his daily activities. I love it when I see his name on my cell-phone. It breaks my heart to know that He doesn't love me.

When I sit alone and have schizophrenic conversation with myself, I laugh...I cry and I feel supreme.

Yes, I talk to angels...they call me by my name.

The Loss of a Father

2008-06-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

Friday morning I was at work, it had seemed like a usual morning, until my mother called and in a panic stricken voice, informed me that my grandfather had passed away...

I had never had a close relationship with the man. His chronicles included a profuse lifestyle, his short lived but notable political career, his Honk Kong visit that nurtured his writing skills and resulted in an Odyssey, that is piled and flipped through often by his grand-children, particularly, me. His old age transformed him into a solitary and slow soul that he began living in a different world which seemed uncomprehending to us.

Over the years, I had never seen my father converse much with him. My father and His father had a strange relationship, one that was built on past misunderstandings and mistakes. Yet, it seemed like my father had accepted the man with all his flaws and most of all, still loved and respected him. It was evident...at least to me.

So, I called up my father this morning and I wasn't sure what to say. "Should I come home?" I asked. "No," my father replied in a tone that I'd never heard before. It was slow, sad and solemn.
I would have never imagined the death of a parent . . .

But this morning I felt it. My father's tone, his unuttered pain, his unimaginable loss made me feel the incurable sting that a child feels when he loses his Father.